Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace
by gamer4
Summary: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the Smash Mansion, a lunatic that works for the most dangerous smasher of all time breaks out of the smasher prison! His number 1 target? Why, none other than Mario Mario! Third installment of the Mario Mario series. Based on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
1. A Fistful of Letters

Gamer4 in! Hey, people, and welcome back to the Mario Mario series! It has been a while! I'm working on a theory- if I have a longer break between stories, it will mean shorter breaks between chapters. (After all, there was only about a week between the end of _Hylian Stone _and the start of _Dungeon of Secrets_.) Depending on when this goes up, I _might _be running two stories at once for a while, which would unfortunately mean slower updates, but I'm almost to the end of that story, so we'll see. Anyways, I suppose I should note to any newcomers: as a warning, if you want this story to make any sort of sense, definitely read the prequels mentioned above. Of course, it's not likely to make any sense anyways, but still! Anyways, with no further preamble, on to the first chapter of _Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace!_

Disclaimer: You get this once, and only once: I own neither Harry Potter or Super Smash Bros. Enjoy that legitimate disclaimer, it's not going to be a thing.

Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace

Chapter I

A Fistful of Letters

The world is a weird place. This is a very well-known fact, and a very famous quote by... somebody. I don't know, maybe I should have done my research before I came in to write this.

...As it turns out, the person who made that quote was... me, right here, right now. Meaning it's not actually all that famous of a quote. Ah. Yeah, definitely should have done my research first.

However, I think I have just the story to prove that the world is weird. And it begins the way all great stories do: with a man vomiting over the side of a ship.

...Wait, what?

Huh, I've just been informed that the only story that actually starts that way is _Shutter Island. _My bad. But hey, that's the way this story starts, too. So let's get started.

XXXX

As stated, the story begins with a man vomiting over the side of a ship. He was a very strange man. He was short and dressed in a spacesuit complete with helmet, though the helmet was currently removed due to his perpetual seasickness. The helmet had a red light at the end of a long antenna that, though it won't actually be important for most of this story, doubled as a whistle. He had a large nose, eyes that were almost always closed, and the only hair on his head was a few strands on his forehead. He also happened to be a smasher.

Now, what's a smasher? Well, we'll get to that later.

He wasn't just any smasher, either. He was the President of the smashers. And from this, we finally start getting to the reason he was on a ship despite suffering from seasickness- one of his duties as the president was inspecting the smashers' prison every year. And it just so happens that the smashers' prison happened to be on an island.

Finally, the president of smashing straightened up, taking a deep breath, returns his helmet to his head, and heads over to a nearby chair to continue reading the paper he'd been reading before he'd started heaving.

It was a dark night, though thankfully, not particularly stormy, since reading the paper seemed to stave off the seasickness a little bit. However, the president had only been reading for a second or two when someone walking by said, "Mr. Tate, we're almost there. We're preparing to rise."

Mr. Tate, it should be mentioned here, was the president's name. Olimar Tate, former employee of Hocotate Freight, and current president of the smashers. Quite a success story. Olimar looked up, and, unwilling to open his mouth, gave a quick nod, tucking the paper into a pocket. His spacesuit hadn't originally had pockets, but it turned out this was a major inconvenience for a politician- or anyone, really- so he'd had some made.

Here, Olimar stood up and approached the railing of the ship, looking up at the approaching island. Being an island constructed by smashers to house their prison, it wasn't normal. It was a huge land mass that was- the key point here- floating several meters above the ocean's waves. The island was called, in a fit of absolute creativity, Prison Island. The most eye-catching part of this island was the large fortress that sat on top of it, which, thankfully, had a much better name- on top of Prison Island sat the dreaded fortress of Subspace. This was the actual prison.

As the ship drew near, it began to rise from the water, hovering up to the large island. As it rose, Olimar felt a deep chill grasping him. He shuddered- he hated coming here. Not just because of the seasickness- the guards of Subspace prison were feared the world over as horrifying abominations that would cause the most hardened horror fans to wet themselves with fear. So naturally, they were used to guard the worst criminals the smasher world had to offer.

Finally, the ship reached the dock. Olimar, shaking violently, stepped off the ship. The spires and towers of Subspace prison rose around him. Trembling, he stepped forward and began his inspection.

XXXX

Eventually, he was almost done. The only place he had left to inspect was the top security wing of the establishment, where the worst of the worst criminals were incarcerated. Slowly, he approached the tower and began to climb. The screams of the inmates filled his ears. Subspace was never quiet. These screams were very common. Pleas of innocence, cries to be released, general screams of fear at those horrifying guards. However, as Olimar approached the peak of the tower, the screaming seemed to die out. He passed several empty cells, until a voice suddenly spoke out from one of them. "Ah, is it that time of year already?"

Olimar jumped, and turned to see who had spoken. It was one of the prisoners, leaning back in his cell. "O-o-oh, it's y-y-y-you," Olimar said, teeth chattering. "H-how're things... going?"

"About the same," the inmate shrugged. "Nothing much has changed in... wow, has it already been thirteen years? Time flies when you're having fun, huh?"

Olimar was almost more unnerved by the calm demeanor of this prisoner than by the screaming of the others- people weren't this _normal _after thirteen years in this prison, they just _weren't._ "I...I guess it does?"

"Say, is that the paper?" the inmate asked, eyes falling on the newspaper sticking out of Olimar's pocket.

"Oh... oh, yeah," Olimar stuttered, having forgotten he had it.

"Mind if I... do you mind if I... read it?" the inmate asked, almost pleadingly. "Not much in the way of reading material in this place, you know? It's been so long since I've read an honest-to-goodness newspaper..."

Olimar gave a strangled sort of laugh. "Well... I don't see what... harm it could do..." Tentatively, he pulled the paper out of his pocket and handed it through the bars to the inmate, who accepted it slowly. He didn't dive on it like a madman, as Olimar had expected, but quietly pulled it through, leaning back against the wall, licking a thumb and flicking one of the pages.

"I do love the scent of a good newspaper in the morning," he muttered. "Assuming it's morning, of course. Hey," he added, flicking his eyes upwards, "have you done the crossword yet?"

"No...I hadn't quite- g-gotten around to it, yet," Olimar stammered.

"Oh, good. I do love a good crossword..." he opened the page with the crossword on it. "Let's see... 'twelve-letter word for a smasher who transforms into an animal not of their own species, often monstrously, at the full moon.' Dang, give me something a _little _harder, why don't you? 'W-e-r-e-c-r-e-a-t-u-r-e..."

"I must be going," Olimar said quickly, bowing his head nervously.

"Oh, don't mind me, don't let me keep you," the inmate said, waving his hand. "Say 'Hi' to von Karma for me, won't you?"

"A-alright," Olimar said, and quickly turned and almost sprinted away from the cell.

The inmate gave a light chuckle as he casually turned another page. "Didn't have the crossword done," he muttered lightly, as his eyes raked down the next page. Suddenly, his eyes froze. They locked onto one spot on the page. "No," he muttered, his cool demeanor vanishing. "It can't be..." he leaned in, looking closer. "But... it _is_..."

Suddenly, he jumped up. "Mr. President! You have to get me out of here! I NEED TO GET OUT!"

And so it came to be that, as Olimar hurried out of that fortress-on-a-rock, the inmate's voice was risen out, joining with the cacophony of cries around it for the first time in thirteen years. "I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! TO THE SMASH BROS.! _HE'S AT THE SMASH BROS.!_"

XXXX

...And now for something completely different.

Far away from that floating island, there was a town. And you know what's coming up next.

...Yeah, you do.

It was a town with- wait for it- a very strange name. Nobody knew who'd named it or why, only that it was an obscenely strange name, because, despite having nothing whatsoever to do with creeks or peaches, it was the town of Peach Creek.

So now, you may be wondering, _Why does this town matter? I mean, aside from having a weird name, what does it have to do with anything that just happened? _Don't worry, we're getting to it.

In this town, there was a house. And in this house, there was a family. This family was the Smiths. Father John, Mother Kate, and Son Bill. They were so ordinary that many people forgot what they looked like as they were looking at them. However, there was another member of the family in that house.

He was currently in one of the many bedrooms in the house, logged on to a computer he'd stolen from his cousin- namely, Bill. He was reasonably confident Bill wouldn't notice this, because, besides being dumb as a brick, Bill already had nineteen computers, all identical, with no unique files whatsoever, and convincing him that it was only eighteen would be only too easy.

This boy was roughly thirteen years old, had dark hair and blue eyes. Get ready to hear something that you're going to hear 9001 more times before this story is up- he, in fact, looked exactly like his father, except for his eyes- he had his mother's eyes. Remember this fact. It will be important.

He was currently dressed in blue overalls, a red shirt, shoes, and white gloves. He was always dressed like this, actually. Kind of a habit of his. Signs of puberty were just beginning to show on him, as a few thin hairs began to protrude from his upper lip. He _was _thirteen, after all. He generally wore a red hat on his head, but he didn't have it on at the current time, due to the fact that, of course, it was his power controller- he didn't keep it on him during summer vacation, even if his relatives would have let him.

...I have the feeling I jumped too far ahead. Let's take a step or two back.

The boy's name was Mario Mario, and he was a smasher. A smasher being a person (or rather, a being, as one of the first things smashers learn is that humans are far from being the standard of all life in the universe) with special powers that defy the normal laws of science. A power controller is what most smashers use to channel their powers, the exceptions being pokemon (though, as you may expect, this leads to many legal (and sometimes actual) battles over whether pokemon are truly smashers.) And Mario had just come back from his second year of education in the smashing arts at the Super Smash Bros. school of smashing. If that place sounds familiar, that's a good thing.

Mario sighed and rubbed his eyes. He was currently trying to research a topic for his least favorite class at the Smash Mansion- the study of power-ups, taught by the ruthless, eternally vicious, Wolf O'Donnell. The topic was 'Explain the significance of flame pendants in the events muggles describe as 'witch hunts.''

Well, Mario knew a smasher who'd actually lived through a few witch hunts, but the problem was, he was A.) A ghost, and B.) A little bitter about that era, and wouldn't likely be keen on discussing them. So, he had instead elected to snatch one of his cousin's many computers and use his improbable computer skills to hook it up in his own bedroom so he could research witch burnings with it. There were all sorts of sites by smashers, for smashers if one was willing to look, and he'd been able to log on with relative ease. He was now currently reading about delusional people who relentlessly brutalized people they viewed as inferior and treaded down on them in order to bolster their own imaginary views of their own magnificence. But reading the Harry Potter headscratchers page on TvTropes was getting boring after a while, so he shifted over to actually researching his topic.*

As he browsed through several sites looking for information on witch hunts from both a muggle and smasher perspective, his mind cast around to his previous two years at the Smash Mansion, and the events that led him to this point. Because the truth was, Mario was an abnormality even among the smashers. And it all tied to the M-shaped scar on his forehead.

A long time ago, in a galaxy that wasn't all that far away- in fact, it was ours,- there was a smasher that turned to evil. He got as evil as it was possible to get, then kept going. According to rumors, he died at least twice on this journey into absolute evil, but Hell was too scared of him to keep him. And his name was Tabuu. He had another name, but mainly because it was subject to spoilers for the previous story, Mario refrained from remembering it at this point. He had started out looking like a normal person, but after a great deal of horrible magical transformations, he had been reborn as a hideous being made out of light, an abomination of nature with only thoughts of darkness- basically, not the kind of guy you invited to Christmas parties.

At one point in his reign, this monstrosity had suddenly, inexplicably, developed an interest in Mario. Mario himself had only been a couple months old at the time, so why Tabuu suddenly became so freaking interested in him is anyone's guess. Bottom line is, Tabuu wanted to kill him, destroy him, maim him, and, overall, make his day unpleasant. And while he _did _manage in killing his parents, when he'd tried to kill Mario, the attack had miraculously backfired, the M-shaped scar being the only sign that anything had happened at all, while Tabuu was completely destroyed.

However, as it turns out, death doesn't mean much to some people. Tabuu had so far found not one, but two ways to get back into Mario's life. While we won't go into too much detail, as those particular stories are only a couple clicks away, we'll sum them up for you.

First year at the Smash Bros., Tabuu himself invaded the Smash Mansion on the back of a trusted teacher's head to try and capture an artifact known as the Hylian Stone to regain his own body, unable to conjure a corporeal form. Second year, he proved that even objects he touched turned evil as his old school _planner _was used to unleash a horrible monstrosity on the students of the Smash Mansion, which paled in comparison to a new teacher on the premises more monstrous than anything Tabuu could have conceived of in his wildest daydreams.

Mario sighed and rubbed his eyes. Almost being killed by a gigantic electricity-conducting monster turtle had a way of throwing you off a bit. Somehow, when he thought about it, he couldn't focus on his essay. Ah well, there was always tomorrow. He closed the internet browser and casually glanced at the clock. 3:33. Was it just Mario's imagination, or did 3 seem to be an important number in his life?

Suddenly, his body gave a jolt as the realization hit him- it was 3:33 _on the day of his birthday. _He'd been thirteen years old for roughly three and a half hours without even realizing it. Though, of course, if he'd been listening to the narration earlier, he would have realized it much sooner.

Hearing the narration, Mario wearily muttered, "Shut up, it's too early in the story to be breaking the fourth wall." He was wrong, of course. It's _never _too early to break the fourth wall.

Sighing in exasperation and making a resolution to ignore the narrator for at least the rest of the chapter, Mario headed over to his window to stare out of it. It wasn't like he had much to look forward to on his birthdays. After his parents had been died, he had been left in the hands of his Aunt and Uncle Smith- and to say that their care was questionable was the biggest understatement since the last time I said something was a huge understatement.

...Turns out I haven't actually done that since halfway through the last story. Ah.

They had relentlessly kept him downtrodden throughout his younger years in the hope they'd be able to somehow expunge his smashing abilities from him. This hope, of course, had turned out to be vain. Naturally, however, him going to a school for smashers didn't necessarily mean they had given up- even this summer, they were still doing all they could to pretend he didn't exist. He didn't expect them to acknowledge his birthday- they hadn't acknowledged the last two, after all. Granted, the first one had been because Uncle John had been in the middle of a psychotic breakdown, but Mario still suspected that celebrating his birthday wasn't particularly high on their 'to-do' lists.

They were particularly angry at him right now due to a failed phone call from a friend of his at school- Link Faron, swordsman with an affinity for hammerspace, dressed in green. At the end of the previous year, Mario, desperate for someone to talk to over the summer that wasn't his relatives, had given his phone number to both Link and their third friend, Zelda Hyrule. Link had ultimately been the first to call, and the incident that followed was one that Mario and Link would both agree to never speak of again. It stemmed, of course, from the fact that, as a pure-blooded smasher, Link hadn't had much contact with phones before (though Mario distinctly remembered that there had been phones in _Link's Awakening _when he'd played through it) leading to a confrontation between the boy in green and Uncle John. Mario had been thoroughly reprimanded by his uncle after this, and since, neither Link nor Zelda had called. Unfortunate on Zelda's part, since she was familiar with phones (she was a muggle-born after all,) and had much more common sense.

Overall, he had basically been railroaded into the same summer that he'd had the previous year. The one thing that had changed is that, after making the case that more free time meant less noise and, by extension, better sleep, Mario had finally won the right to allow his pet albatross, Parrakarry, to have a consistently-spelled name. After the author had failed to uphold that, he had settled for letting him out of his cage every now and again, just so long as (this restriction was placed by Uncle John) he didn't attempt to send any letters to his friends.

This was the reason that Mario was currently alone in his room. Parakarry was out flying around at the moment, searching for the 'r' that had just gone missing from his name. And, Mario supposed, he could be doing some other stuff that birds did. Really, he didn't know what albatrosses did for fun. It had been a while, and while Mario didn't tend to worry- Parakary was typically gone for long periods at a time- he did hope the bird would come back soon. At the Smiths', he was the only connection Mario had to the smasher world.

Suddenly, Mario snapped to attention. As he had been staring out of his window in reverie, a sudden shape had appeared on the horizon- or as close to a horizon as a town like Peach Creek was capable of having. It seemed to be a large creature of some sort. Mario hesitated, staring at it for a moment, before he suddenly found himself able to recognize it. As he did, he stepped back, opening the window and allowing the "creature" entry.

As it turned out, it wasn't one single creature, but three separate albatrosses. Two of them, he recognized, one of them, he didn't. One of them, an old, decrepit-looking thing passed out as soon as it touched down in the room. Noticing a package with a note tied to it, he relieved the bird of its burden and put it up in Parrakary's cage, right next to the water bowl, so it could hydrate itself when it awoke. He recognized him as Bootler, the family albatross of none other than the Farons. Deciding to relieve the other albatrosses before opening the package, he turned to the others.

Well, the identity of the second albatross was no mystery- it was none other than Parakarry himself. He, too, was carrying a package with him. After Mario had taken the package off of him, he fluttered up to the cage, sitting directly on Bootler and taking some water for himself.

Finally, Mario turned to the third albatross. While he didn't recognize it, he knew where it came from. It was carrying a package and two letters, and one of them bore a coat of arms he recognized very well- a lion, an R with a lightning bolt on it, a dog sleeping protectively on eggs, and a mountain with several horizontal triangles running through it, all surrounding the central symbol of a circle with a vertical line near the left and a horizontal line near the bottom. Taken together, these seemingly random images became the symbol of the Super Smash Bros. He quietly took the package and the letters from it. This albatross didn't seem to feel any obligation to stay, taking off almost as soon as he'd taken its burden. Moving quietly, not wanting to wake the Smiths, he decided to first open the letter from Bootler.

As he'd suspected, this letter turned out to be from Link. At first, it seemed to be extremely thick, but he realized, as he unfolded it, that it was two separate papers: a letter and a newspaper.

_Hey, there, Mario! _(It ran.)

_How's it been hanging over there? Sorry if I got you into trouble with that whole 'phone' thing. I talked to Zelda about it, (in a letter, of course,) and she sent back a picture of herself facepalming. Apparently, that's not what you do with a phone. Hope the muggles weren't too hard on you._

_Anyways, guess what! Dad entered the lottery this year, just for the heck of it, and guess who won! That's right, the Farons aren't so unlucky after all! I'm writing this from Egypt- we came over here to visit Linebeck on one of his digs. There's some awesome stuff over here- I'll have to tell you in person next time we meet up! Let's just say that you shouldn't mention the 'Eox incident' to Rob. _

_Speaking of Rob, on a much less awesome note, he just got his letter from the Smash Bros. He's been made Head Boy. Hoorah. _

_Back on Egypt, I sent the article over to you also. This is also where I got your present- more on that in the card. _

_We'll be coming back home, soon. Any chance of meeting up in Twisted Lane? If not, see you on the Great Fox!_

_Link Faron._

Mario smiled a little. Link wasn't always the most proficient writer. Nevertheless, he was glad to hear about the Farons finally achieving a victory. There wasn't a family anywhere more deserving of winning a large amount of money than them. It was interesting to hear about the trip as well- he didn't know much about Linebeck, only that he was Link's older brother. He'd already graduated from the Smash Bros., and currently worked as a treasure hunter for the smasher banks. Glancing at the article, he took in a picture of all the Farons standing happily together. From left to right, he could see the tall, mustached and bearded Rusl Faron, the shorter, slightly plump, very kind Uli Faron, Kirby and Meta Knight Faron, identical pink puffballs with looks of mischief in their eyes, Rob Faron, a sentient robot, the young Peach Faron, dressed in pink, and Link himself, dressed in his standard green, and with the cuckoo Oreo standing precariously on his shoulder. On Link's other side stood two more youths- a young woman with a single fang and her hair done up in a ponytail that he assumed was Midna, and a young man with shaggy hair and a thin moustache and a blue pirate-style coat that must be Linebeck himself.

Finally, Mario opened what really amounted to his first (real) birthday present. Under the wrapping was a card sitting on top of a box. Opening up the box, he found a small model sitting inside a glass container. The model was of some sort of relic resembling three triangles with one standing on top of the other two, though if you tilted your head and squinted, it could be a large triangle with a smaller, upside down triangle in the center. Smiling at it, he turned to the card.

_Hey, Mario!_

_This is a model of something called the 'Triforce.' According to Linebeck, it's pretty much the ultimate sought-after artifact, which, of course, means nobody is even sure if it exists. But it's apparently certain that if it exists, this is what it would look like. If it senses someone doing something bad nearby, it's supposed to break apart and the three triangles float around. Linebeck thinks this one's defective because it was doing that all through dinner last night. He didn't take into account that he was sitting next to Kirby and Meta Knight. _

Giving a small, quiet laugh, Mario set the letter next to the Triforce replica. That done, he turned to the package and letter from Zelda.

_Salutations, Mario! _(Mario sniggered at Zelda's insistent formality.)

_How has your summer been going? Mine is perfectly acceptable so far. I mean, I haven't been doing anything as exciting as Link has, if you have heard about that. I read about it in the paper, I've been having it delivered. Such a great thing to happen to them, isn't it? I'm jealous- imagine all the things he's learning over there!_

Mario took a brief pause to do just that, but failed to imagine Link actively attempting to learn.

_Well, okay, that might be a bit of a stretch, _the letter admitted, _but still, it's a wonderful opportunity! _

_Anyways, I know your birthday is coming up, and I even had the perfect gift picked out, but I was just wondering about how to send it to you, when lo and behold, your albatross dancingly descended into my room- through the window._

Mario laughed. "So, in reality, he neither danced nor descended," he said under his breath.

_I think he wanted to make sure you actually got something for your birthday, so I sent your present with him. _

_Anyways, with school starting up again soon, I'll be heading to Twisted Lane in a couple weeks to pick up my school things. From what Link says, he'll be there too! Any chance you can make it? If you can, wonderful! If not, see you on the Great Fox!_

_Sincerely, Zelda._

Mario smiled as he turned to the package Zelda had sent him. He picked it up- he could tell from the size and shape that it was some sort of DVD case. He could easily imagine it being _The Complete Second Season of NOVA _or something like that, knowing Zelda. But he was wrong.

He gave a quiet gasp as he opened the package and found a red DVD case with a large picture of himself in a kart speeding across a raceway. The name across the top read _Mario Kart 8. _

"Nice one, Zelda!" he smiled, setting it aside. It just so happened, he'd also managed to swipe one of Bill's twenty-three Wii Us, so maybe he'd give that a shot before summer was out.

Next, he turned his attention to the final package. The letter next to it was in an untidy handwriting that he recognized as the signature style of his other friend at the Smash Bros.: the Crazy Hand, a gigantic, perpetually insane, disembodied left hand inside a glove. Opening the letter first, as usual, he read,

_Be it going how, Marios?_

_Wat da buzz, wat be goin on? Mez not be hearin from you! It not be da Smittie Werbenjaegermanjensens messin' up again, be it? _

_Mez gottsa gr8 newsies for you! Iz not say here, it be big surprise! My present be kinda clue! It be sometin you be needin dis year! Me say no morez here! All be clear!_

_Crazy!_

Mario turned to the package, and, now genuinely curious, tore it open. It turned out to be... a book. He couldn't discern a title, but the moment it was free from the wrapping paper, it suddenly flung itself open, and a fountain of dark light came pouring out, and a voice began growling what sounded like ancient dark magic- until Mario, panicking slightly, slammed it shut, and, reaching out to his dresser, pulled out an old belt of Bill's that he never used and bound it shut. "Shut up!" he growled. "Your ancient curses are going to wake up my Aunt and Uncle!"

He stared at the book, wondering how such a thing could possible prove useful at the Smash Bros. Ultimately deciding, for the moment, that he didn't want to know, he turned to the final letter. Picking it up, he noticed it was a little heavier than it usually was. Flicking it open, several pieces of paper came fluttering out. He turned to the main one.

_Dr. Mr. Mario, _

_The Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing is excited to see you return for your third year. As usual, there will be transportation to the Smash Mansion from Seatac Airport, Platform Q, 11:00. We look forward to seeing you there. Your ticket and a list of all required schoolbooks for this year are enclosed. _

_As a sidenote, third year students and above are permitted to visit the smashing village of Kurain on certain weekends, provided they receive permission from their parent or guardian. This in mind, a permission form has been enclosed as well. Have it signed and hand it in to the head of your group when you return to the Smash Mansion._

_Sincerely, _

_Samus Aran_

Samus Aran

Vice Headmistress, Super Smash Bros.

Mario was much less happy at this. He knew that the odds of the Smiths actually giving him this kind of permission was slim to none. He'd love to go to Kurain Village, mind you- he heard it was one of the very few towns in the country inhabited purely by smashers or smasher-type creatures- but still... Smiths.

Looking around his room, he sighed. It was too late to worry about it now. He'd consider it in the morning.

Focusing instead on his first real birthday presents, he allowed a smile as he slid into his bed. For the moment, despite all the odd things about him, he could feel like a normal teenager- staying up really late, probably sleeping in late tomorrow, and genuinely happy that it was his birthday.

_XXXX_

*Just as a warning, over the next several chapters, you may hear a very depreciating statement that is then compared to the Harry Potter headscratchers page on TvTropes. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, but if you ever try to read through those, you'll see my point.

And thus ends the very first chapter! Hot _dog, _it feels good to be back to writing Mario Mario! I've been writing another story to keep myself busy in the meantime, and though I love writing that story too, (otherwise I wouldn't be writing it,) it just wasn't the same. It was horror, for one thing, but humor is just more my element. But mystery waits on the wings, too! Who _is _Sirius Black? I will say that I dropped a major hint in one of my previous chapters, and much earlier than you'd think!

Also, just a reminder to people coming back from the previous stories, and to tell those reading this story first- if there's something you're confused about, like if you're fairly certain something was a reference, but you didn't get it, or if there's just something you'd like to know more about- the Q&A system is still in place! Just ask the question in a review, and I will answer to the best of my ability! Aside from that though, (it's great to be saying this again,) please R&R, constructive criticism that may make the story better is welcomed with open arms, flames will be used to bake some pie, Gamer4 out!

Sidenote: I forgot to put this in until literally the second before I uploaded this: the cover for this one is _Mario Potter_, courtesy of rumper1 on deviantart. Thanks to said artist! This time for real, Gamer4 out.


	2. The Megan that Came to Dinner

Gamer4 in. So, how was your guys's time between stories? I've been pretty good, I beat Xenoblade just as I finished Dungeon of Secrets, then played through all three Xenosaga games, and right now I'm in the middle of Xenogears. If you couldn't tell, I've got Xeno on the brain. Xeno, Xeno, Xeno. Actually, I considered replacing the person I originally had in mind for Lupin with Shulk, the hero from Xenoblade, but then the person who'll actually be playing Lupin wouldn't get any screentime at all, something I absolutely cannot allow. But still, I am now part of the 'Shulk for Smash Bros. 4!' movement! But this is Fanfiction, not Facebook, so let's get to the actual story, how about? (Sidenote, my sister who previously knew Harry Potter only through the movies has just started reading the books. She just found out that the line isn't 'You're a wizard, Harry,' but 'Harry- you're a wizard.' Her whole world has been crushed, and she has let me know that her life is a lie. She'd like you to know too.)

Disclaimer: I own a copy of all the Xeno games. Fantastic series. I'll probably get Xenoblade X when it comes out. Did I mention that I like Xeno?

Chapter II

The Megan that Came to Dinner

As it turns out, however, Mario doesn't actually sleep all that late the next day. When he wakes up, it's only roughly 9:00. He only spends a moment or two after rubbing sleep out of his eyes before remembering the previous night. Specifically, he remembers the previous night after glancing over at his bedside table and wondering for a few moments why there were three golden triangles sitting there in a glass dome. And then it hit him.

He jumped out of bed, excited to get started on Mario Kart 8 (Combining the gravity defying of Mario Galaxy with Mario Kart? Come on, that's been begging to be done! Just imagine Rainbow Road!) but ultimately decided to head downstairs and get some breakfast first. As he was heading out, he remembered the other thing he'd put off last night- the permission form to go to Kurain. That would be an issue...

As he headed downstairs, he noted that all the Smiths seemed to be up already. They were all sitting around the breakfast table as Mario entered the kitchen. They all resolutely ignored him as he crossed the floor and popped a couple slices of bread into the toaster. They were all eating eggs prepared by Aunt Kate, but Mario typically ate separately from them. It was nothing new.

As Mario was waiting for his toast to pop up, Uncle John finished his breakfast and stood up. "Well, I'm leaving now," he announced. Up to this point, this was nothing that was going to ruin Mario's day, but what he said next was. "I'm going out to pick up Megan."

At this, Mario almost dropped the plate he'd been taking out of the cupboard. "Wait, what?!" he said in a strangled cry.

"I _said,_" Uncle John said, his eyes flaring slightly, "I'm going out to pick up your Aunt Megan, boy."

"You mean... sh-she's coming over?" Mario asked, trembling. He had faced a lot of things before- a psychotic pokemon that was drinking a Rapidash's blood, a gigantic, poisonous, electricity-conducting turtle with a literal death glare, and giant spiders with the images of skulls on their backs, but none of those things could possibly scare him as much as his Aunt Megan. Every time she came over, she brought him nothing but pain and misery. Whether bringing Bill fantastic presents while bringing bags of fertilizer for him, or siccing her dogs on him, she never meant anything good. And that was without bring up... and here, Mario shuddered... the noodle incident.

"Of course," John snarled. "Why else would I be picking her up? She's coming over to stay for five days. Got a problem with that?"

Mario stared, opening and closing his mouth in horror.

"On that subject," Uncle John added, "we need to have a talk."

"No we don't!" Mario said quickly. "I already know! 'When a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"Not that kind of talk!" John interrupted. "We're going to discuss a few things about Megan's visit. First off, she has no idea about your... _condition_... and we're going to keep it that way. Understand?"

"That sounded a lot like an allegory for-" Mario started.

"_Understand?!" _

"Yeah, I understand, I understand!"

"Good," John said. "As far as she knows, you are an ordinary student at Frontier Middle School, set on going to GK high school next year."

"Ah, GK high school," Mario muttered. "Their mascot's the... mockingbird, isn't it?"

"Eagle," John corrected irritably.

"Oh."

"You will not show any signs of your abnormalities while she's here."

"Perish the thought."

Uncle John looked at him suspiciously, then said, "Alright, I'm off."

Here, Mario turned miserably to his toast. The thought of spending any extended period of time with Megan was not one he found inviting, let alone five days. This was easily the worst present the Smiths had ever given him. However, as the toast popped out and he absentmindedly began buttering it, a sudden thought occurred to him. Dropping it, he rushed out into the hallway and called out to Uncle John just before he opened the door.

"What is it?" John asked, sounding exasperated.

"I just got some mail from... you know..." Mario sighed. "Arkham." This was the name that the Smiths insisted on calling the Smash Bros., whenever they had to discuss it at all.

"What of it?" John asked, his eyes narrowing as they always did where Mario's real school was concerned.

"When I go next year, there are going to be certain weekends where the third years and above are allowed to go to Kurain village, a little village off to the side. The thing is, you need a signed permission form to go. Do you think you could... you know... sign it?"

John growled. "Give me one good reason why I should do that."

"Well," Mario shrugged, "it's not easy to lie about what you are. I mean, I have to pretend I don't go to... Arkham... and that I go to that- GK, home of the... jabberjays, I think-"

"Eagles!" John repeated, but Mario was glad to see he seemed to be taking this at least somewhat seriously. "And that's next year! This year, you go to Frontier!"

"Case in point," Mario said, nodding. "But!" he added. "This is a special, once-in-a-lifetime offer! If you sign the form, I will make absolutely sure that I don't let anything slip, pretend I go to Frontier, and... so on."

For a moment, it seemed like John would either agree or explode. Luckily, he decided on the former. "Alright," he grumbled. "If you keep to the story throughout Megan's visit, I'll sign your d*** form."

"Thanks," Mario said quickly, turning away and heading back to the kitchen before John could change his mind.

Initially, he headed into the kitchen to retrieve his toast. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten one key detail- it had been left in the kitchen. With Bill.

As he got started on another couple slices of toast, Aunt Kate started speaking to Bill. "Sweetie-pie, I don't want you going outside too late, alright?"

"What? Why not?" Bill asked, a very impressive constipation-look on his face to express anger.

"Well, I was reading the papers, and it seems like a madman has broken out of prison. It was everywhere. I think his name was... Roy... Eliwood, or something. Mass murderer, apparently."

"Was he a smasher?" Mario ventured, leaning against the counter as he waited for his toast to pop.

"Of course not!" Aunt Kate flared up. "I don't believe even he was capable of _that!_"

Mario sighed. His toast popped up, and he quickly buttered it and ate it before heading upstairs. It wasn't like Bill was going to listen to his aunt anyways. He'd pretend to, then keep on sneaking out at night anyways. All the best bully victims were out at night.

Once upstairs, he returned to his room. Bootler had finally awoken. He and Parakarry were in the middle of grooming themselves when Mario entered.

"Hey, guys," Mario said as he stepped in. "Hey, Parakarry, feeling up to a flight to Ordon Cottage?"

Parakarry took a brief glance at the text, realized that his name was _finally _being spelled consistently, and nodded.

"Good," Mario said. "How would you feel about staying there for a week or so?"

Parakarry tilted his head to the side, as if to say, _Well, okay, but why?_

"Aunt Megan's coming over for a week, and if I pretend to be a muggle for that time, Uncle John will sign my permission form to go to Kurain."

Parakarry stared for a moment, then nodded again. Taking that for consent, Mario headed over to his desk and wrote a quick letter which he gave to Parakarry. "That ought to explain it," he said. "Help Bootler out, will you?"

Another nod later, both albatrosses had flown out the window. Sighing, Mario picked up his cage and moved it into the closet. This done, he picked up his textbooks, considering what to do with them. Ultimately, he decided to just keep doing what he'd been doing. There was another essay Wolf had assigned him on a different kind of power-up, so he picked out the book he thought was most likely to help him and put it down next to the computer. Next, he got on the computer and logged on to his Club Nintendo account to register his new game.

XXXX

Later, Mario heard a car pull up, and grudgingly went down to greet his 'relative.' She was, as ever, wearing a grimace as she stepped through the front door behind her brother. "Come on in," John was saying as he opened the door for her.

Megan looked around for a few moments before she spied Mario. "Oh. You're still here?"

"No, I'm just an illusion," Mario muttered.

"What was that?!"

"Yes, I'm still here."

"Don't talk back to me!" Megan snarled. "I'm afraid John is much too lenient with you. Nice guys finish last, I suppose."

Mario sighed. Megan stepped forward, growling, "Take this," shoving her case into his arms. Mario, sighing again, ascended the stairs and deposited the case in her room. He then headed into his room and did his best to pretend that this situation wasn't a thing. Eventually, he decided to plug Mario Kart 8 in and see what the first retro cup was.

XXXX

...Not much really needs to be said about the majority of Aunt Megan's visit. It was just as bad as ever. She had brought Bill the complete Metal Gear Solid collection, and for Mario, she'd brought a bag of Lays with four chips left. Then again, this was pretty generous by her standards. Mario was so touched he had to wipe his eyes with the used handkerchief that had been the Smiths' last gift to him.

You know how you can be in a bad situation, then you get thrown into a situation so much worse that the original situation seems favorable by comparison? That was the case here. Mario didn't like the Smiths, by any stretch, but at least their preferred method for dealing with him was to ignore him or encourage him to go to his room and stay out of their way- leaving him free to go through his books or hook up the Wii U or computer, as long as he was quiet enough. Megan, on the other hand, insisted on having him around so she could throw out snide remarks about how he looked ridiculous, was clearly a moron, etc., etc. She delighted in finding and expounding on others' faults and ignoring any contrary evidence or personal faults, all in the name of bolstering her own ego. Basically, she was like a contributor to the Harry Potter headscratchers page.

On the first day, Mario basically handled it by looking for any excuse to sneak away and head up to his room. The Smiths were perfectly fine with this- after all, the less time he spent near her, the less likely she was to realize his secret- but, as mentioned, Megan liked finding faults, which wasn't nearly as entertaining if he wasn't there to hear her doing it.

That night, he took some sedatives and stayed up extremely late, playing a couple cups of Mario Kart 8 and heading online for a bit, the theory being he'd have to spend less time with his Aunt Megan if he slept extremely late. He finally went to sleep, under the effects of five separate sedatives, at 4:30 in the morning. Unfortunately, this only got him sleep until half past one the next morning, with the result that he still had about half a day to spend with his aunt.

The remaining days passed mostly like this, with Mario intentionally messing with his sleeping patterns to try and sleep through the day as much as possible, with the bonus effect that, when he was being criticized by Megan, he could just tune out to fond memories of the latest Mario Kart installment. Naturally, Megan began using this as evidence that he was a drug addict. Is it just me, or are we stretching the meaning of K+ a little?

Nevertheless, the fact that he hardly heard these taunts due to fond memories of the new Bowser's Castle or Rainbow Road meant that this method was working pretty well for most of the visit.

Probably the point where he slipped up, he decided later, was the night before Megan's last day. He was still enjoying Mario Kart immensely, but Wolf's unfinished essay was lingering on his mind, leading him to reluctantly put the game on the metaphorical shelf and turn to his books. He flipped through the book, looking for information that would help him. He was supposed to be studying a power-up called a P-balloon. He spent several hours researching its effects, composition, etc., before finally deciding that he just couldn't focus, mostly due to the fact that he'd actually been reading the same sentence again and again, mostly due to the fact that he'd been reading the same sentence again and again, mostly due to the fact that he'd been reading the same sentence again and again, mostly due to the fact that he'd been reading the same sentence again and again.*

This seems to be a major factor in his big slip-up the next day at dinner. He was glad it was almost over, of course, because soon, he'd be back to just having to put up with the Smiths. Not much comfort, granted, but after this week, it would be like a straight shot through the month until he got to go back to the Smash Bros.

And things were going so well, too. Aunt Kate had gone all out with a large dinner to serve them for Megan's last dinner there, and they got through most of it without Megan even looking at Mario, which suited him just fine. He was currently taking his mind on a full tour of the new courses, wondering if there was any way to use some of those tricks on the Smash-Up field, wondering if he'd go back online that night, just to celebrate.

They finished the main course, and moved on to dessert. Mario wanted to skip out and just head upstairs, but Megan insisted that he stay and clean up their dishes as they finished, so he reluctantly stood off to the side, waiting.

It all started, as so many problems seem to, with Bill. He had finished his fourth serving of Rocky Road ice cream, but was still not satisfied. He turned to Mario and demanded more. Mario, sighing, turned and went to get it.

"Still hungry, pumpkin?" Aunt Kate thought out loud, eyes on her beloved child. "My, you really do have quite the appetite."

"Nothing to be ashamed of," Megan said. "The world needs more healthily-built young men. I mean, compare him to that rat you're raising."

Mario sighed. Here they went. He bent down in the freezer, looking for that Rocky Road.

"It's all down to genetics, of course," Megan said, her hands behind her head. "Bill's got all the dominant genes of the Smiths. I don't want to insult you, Kate, I mean, it's clear you had dominant genes, too, but it looks like your sister only had flawed, recessive ones. And, of course, she got together with that moron of a husband, and he had nothing but recessive genes, too. They get together, and they have a child, and of _course _he'll have nothing but flawed, recessive genes."

Mario sighed, his hand pinching the bridge of his nose- a trick he'd learned from Samus, his homeroom teacher. _That's not how genetics work..._

"I mean, what did his parents do, again?"

John raised an eyebrow at Kate. Kate opened her mouth, closed it again, and repeated the routine a bit. Finally, she said, very clearly grasping, "They... um... they didn't work. Unemployed."

"See what I mean? F***ing hippies. Living off of the good name of the Smiths. They were doomed from the moment they got the hippy genes."

Mario was, at this point, considering shutting his head in the fridge, just so he wouldn't have to listen to this anymore. "They were great people," he muttered into the icebox.

"What did you say?" Megan asked, looking up at him. "What did you just say to me?"

"I said, my parents were great people."

"Oh, I see," Megan said, a perverse sort of enjoyment lighting up in her eyes. "Well, let's compare them and your Aunt and Uncle- one set has a well-to-do, normal job, a steady paycheck, and can easily support themselves. One has no job, are full of abysmal, recessive genes, and burned down their house in a drunken stupor. Which one is better? Gee, I wonder, _can I phone a friend, please?_"

Mario stood up abruptly, punching the table. "_My parents weren't drunks!"_ he nearly shouted.

The glass Megan happened to be holding at the time melted. Mario and the Smiths both stared at it in horror, with the Smiths' eyes occasionally flicking to the former, but Megan, oblivious as ever, said, "Oh, sorry about that, John. My grip is a little too firm, I think. It's only natural that I accidentally melt a cup every now and again."

John, giving a very forced smile, said, "Of course." Turning to Mario, fire in his eyes, he growled, "And you... just go to bed. We'll discuss this tomorrow."

"No, no, no need," Megan said. "Here, boy, take this and throw it away. In the garbage, where you and your family belong."

Mario angrily wrenched the melted cup out of her hand and carried it over to the garbage can. As he did, Uncle John made a noble effort to gloss everything over by changing the subject. "So, Megan, did you hear about that escaped prisoner? Roy... Eliwood, I think it was? Weird name..."

"He probably had recessive genes, too," Megan said, pursuing her original subject. "They don't handle criminals properly in this country. If they just let us shoot them all down, the problem would be solved! Same applies to trash like the Marios, really."

Mario, rage building inside him, began to breath deeply, trying to remember what he'd done the previous night. Oh, yeah, he'd given up on Mario Kart that night to try and write an essay for Wolf. Ah, well, it might be Wolf, but it was still a connection to the smasher world... what was it... P-balloon, P-balloon...

"And now, using my awesome maturity and intellect, I'm going to use a roundabout method to call Mario's mother a b****," Megan announced.

Mario snapped. "Shut up!" he cried. "Shut up!"

Megan spun around to face him, the grimace on her face completely at odds with the glee in her eyes that she'd gotten to him at last. "Oh, you want to defend your trashy family, do you? Well, let me tell you-"

She stopped speaking here. She'd been holding her finger up in the classic 'declarative finger' pose, and she had stopped talking to stare at the tip. It was inflating. Everyone stared at her, as the rest of her began inflating as well. "What- what the-" she gasped as she continued inflating like a gigantic balloon. Even Mario backed off in a little horror as she continued rapidly expanding. As this was going on, she began to rise from her chair, floating upwards, eventually bumping lightly into the ceiling.

"Megan!" John cried, jumping up. Kate stood back with her hands over her mouth, and Bill took advantage of the chaos (unfortunately not the Xenosaga character, though how awesome would that be,) to rush to the freezer and start eating Rocky Road directly from the container.

Mario had seen enough. He rushed out of the room, horrified. Not just by what he'd done, but by what it meant. Underage smashers weren't supposed to use powers outside of school. Heck, he'd gotten a warning about it from the Government just the previous year for a bit of smashing that wasn't even caused by him. The only thing running through his mind was that he might not be able to go back to school.

He rushed into his room and threw as much into his suitcase as he could. He grabbed all his books, the essays he'd written, and his blanket of invisibility (more on that later) and tossed them all in. He grabbed his hat and, after a moment of consideration, placed it on his head. He'd already broken that law, he couldn't really hurt things anymore than he had before.

With that, he rushed downstairs, case in tow. Uncle John intercepted him at the door. "YOU BRING HER BACK!" he shouted. "BRING HER BACK, MAKE IT RIGHT!"

"NO!" Mario shouted, equally angry. "She's a five-year-old playground bully disguised as an adult, she deserved what she got! Out of my way!"

For a moment, John raised his hand, but Mario snapped his fingers, summoning a handful of fire. John retreated about a foot. "Don't pull that with me," he said tentatively. "You aren't allowed to use your powers outside Arkham!"

"Yeah, well, news for you- I already used my powers! The _Super Smash Bros. _has already kicked me out!"

John snarled, "Then where do you plan on going? Who else would take you in?!"

"I don't care!" Mario shouted. "Anywhere is better than here!"

And with that, he grabbed the handle of his suitcase and set out into the night.

_XXXX_

*Hey, Lemony Snicket, how's it going?

I'm not certain about this chapter. I always have trouble with the 'Smith chapters' because, you know... Smiths. I guess that lets me enjoy it when Mario gets back to the smasher world just as much as he enjoys it himself.

Congratulations, by the way, to everyone who guessed that Roy would be Sirius! It seems like everyone got the hint from way back in the very first chapter of these stories! Yes, Roy was always going to be Sirius, if I ever got this far. Like I've said before, I don't know if I'm going to do the whole series, but I write it as if I am. Roy was always in my mind as Sirius, even at the first chapter. To celebrate! Cookies for everyone!

Sidenote, I actually updated one of my stories in the same month that I started it? Well, this is already off to a better start than _Dungeon of Secrets, _which took me _3 freaking months _to update for the first time. Happy Independence Day, everybody! Unless, of course, you don't live in America, in which case, have a happy Normal July 4th, everybody! Because, really, why does it have to be a holiday to be happy? Please R&R, constructive criticism perfectly welcome, flames will be used to light my multi-bottle rockets, Gamer4 out.


	3. The Tonzura Brothers

Gamer4 in. This chapter is intended to be up on July 9, 2014. If you are reading it on that day, it means I've actually succeeded in sticking somewhat to my new update schedule. Well, let's rock it!

Disclaimer: Psi Rockin, of course, being Ness's ultimate attack in Earthbound.

Chapter III

The Tonzura Brothers

Mario angrily stormed off down the street, ignoring a few red flags going off in his mind. It was only when he'd gotten pretty far away from his house (though he was still in Peach Creek) that he actually started to second-guess what he'd done.

Well, he thought, sitting down on the sidewalk, what now? It wasn't like he could go back to the Smiths at this point, even if that idea sounded appealing to begin with. That was the downside of setting out without any clear plan, he supposed- you eventually hit a point where you didn't have any idea what to do.

At this thought, the rest of his anger drained away, to be replaced by the new emotion of fear. It wasn't just because he had no plan- he'd just stomped on some pretty big rules- not just that underage smashers weren't supposed to use their powers outside school, but smashers in general weren't supposed to use their powers in the vicinity of- least of all _on_- muggles. His imagination went into overdrive, imagining a police station somewhere with his face all over the walls. And here he was, without any plan whatsoever, when it was surprising that he hadn't been arrested yet!

Looking covertly around, he considered what to do. The truth was, he had quite a bit of money... the problem was, it was all in a vault in the 3rd National bank of smashing. It wasn't something he'd ever discussed with the Smiths, but his bank account was loaded with various colored coins and rupees- perfectly symmetrical gems. It was a lot of money, even in the smasher world, and would amount to 'richer than God' in the muggle world, if he ever got it appraised. Unfortunately, the 3rd National bank of smashing also happened to be a ways away from where he was, in Twisted Lane. It would take forever to get all the way there.

Then again... he looked back the way he had come. One of his many possessions from the world of smashing was the Flame Runner, one of the best karts currently on the market- and it would most definitely be faster than walking. If he could sneak back to the Smiths and get the Flame Runner out of the garage... assuming, of course, that they hadn't destroyed it yet...

Well, it was a better idea than just sitting there, so Mario stood and began to make his way back down the sidewalk. However, he'd only made it a foot or two when he froze. The hairs on the back of his neck were standing up. He knew this feeling... he felt as though something was watching him.

He nervously turned around. He was standing on the same side of the sidewalk as a little playground, and all of the things on it were mysteriously moving on their own. The swings were swinging by themselves, and the seesaw was moving... by itself. As he stared at this, Mario thought he saw something move in the area across the road. Turning, his heart nearly stopped. On the other side of the road, moving in the shadows, he could see the silhouette of some great, hulking creature. He couldn't see what it _was,_ exactly, but he could see a pair of eyes in what appeared to be the head.

Nervously, Mario approached, reaching up as he did so to make certain that his hat was on in case things turned nasty. For a moment, the creature didn't move, simply staring back at him. However, as Mario stepped out onto the street, it suddenly seemed to sense something. It looked off to the side, and abruptly moved forwards towards Mario. The movement startled the young pyromancer, who began backpedaling rapidly. As he moved backwards, his feet caught on the curb, and his arms raised in the air as he fell backwards.

_*Beep, beep!*_

No sooner had he fallen off the road than there was a loud beeping noise, and out of nowhere, there came a large black bus, careening around a corner that Mario couldn't see. It was moving incredibly fast, but came to a stop unnaturally quickly as Mario stared. It didn't look much bigger than a normal bus. On the side, the words _Tonzura Brothers _was written in large, simple white letters.

Mario tilted his head in confusion. He'd seen weird things before, but still...

As he watched, a door on the side of the bus opened, and a man jumped out. "Hey, how's it going?" he asked, spinning around. "We're the Tonzura Brothers, and bussin's our business! I'm Lucky Tonzura! How can I help you?"

Mario stared. The man was tall and dressed a green suit over a white shirt. He had a pair of sunglasses (tinted green) on, and he had a hat on top of his head that was... wait for it... green. Aside from the intense green, the other feature catching Mario's eye was his thick moustache.

"...Bussin'?" Mario asked.

"Sure am!" Lucky said, smiling and doing another spin. "You name the location, and we'll getcha there as soon as we can! Don't you know this? You're the one who flagged us down, right? That's what it says here, at least!" Here, he reached into his suit and pulled out a random clipboard that had almost certainly not been there before. "Young man, 'round thirteen years old, dressed in red and overalls...' that you?"

"I... I guess..." Mario said, slowly getting to his feet. "Um... where can you take me? Any sort of limits?"

"Anywhere on this planet," Lucky said. "Sorry, but we don't do planet-hopping. 'Side from that, you just about got it!"

Somewhat distracted, Mario glanced around the bus, looking for the form of the creature that had startled him to begin with. However, he couldn't see anything, and the headlights of the bus were filling up the whole area with light.

"You lookin' for something?" Lucky asked, taking a look for himself.

"Oh... nothing," Mario said quickly. "Um... how much would a trip to Twisted Lane cost?"

"Twisted Lane?" Lucky asked, stroking his moustache. "Well, that counts as a trip to good old Telma's Bar, and that would be... that'll run you four red coins!"

Mario reached into his suitcase and pulled out his money bag. Peering inside, he pulled out four round disks and handed them over to Lucky.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Lucky said, raising his hands with a chuckle. "You can't just toss money around and just _demand _to come on to our bus!"

"But you just said-"

"I know, I know! But the fact is, you need a reservation first! Just flagging us down ain't good enough!" Still chuckling, he beckoned to Mario. "Come on the bus, we'll give you the lowdown."

Still confused, Mario hopped aboard the bus. Looking around, his jaw dropped. This bus was _much _bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. There was a gigantic room on the inside with seats and beds all around it, along with windows all along the walls. At periodic points along this room, there were stairs... meaning this place had _upper levels_.

His jaw dropped, Mario turned back to Lucky, who produced a card from his pocket. "Here," he said as Mario uncertainly took it. "Call up the number, make a reservation, then we'll see what we can do for you."

Mario stared at the number. "I don't have a phone..."

"Oh, that's an easy fix," Lucky said, reaching into his pocket. "You can borrow mine!"

Mario stared at the phone for a second (green) then slid a finger across the screen to unlock it and dialed the number.

The sound of a phone ringing filled the room, and Lucky turned to a random rotary phone sitting nearby. Picking it up, he said, "Tonzura Brothers Bussin' Business! How may I help you?"

Mario stared at him, speaking into the phone nonetheless. He could hear his voice coming out of the rotary phone. "Um... I'd like to make a reservation."

"Well, we can swing that for you!" Lucky said, adjusting his suit slightly. "What name should I put this under?"

Mario quickly cast his mind around. Well, if he _was _currently being hunted by the Government, as he suspected he might be, he didn't want to make it _too _easy. "Um... Luigi... Luigi."

"Right on, Mr. Luigi!" Lucky said, smiling as he took the name down on his clipboard. "We'll see you soon!"

Here, he hung up the rotary phone. Mario hung up on Lucky's cell phone, and with a quick 'Thanks,' returned it to its owner.

Lucky tipped his hat as he took his phone back. Looking around for a moment, he gave a false jump as his eyes fell back on Mario. "Oh, sir, do you have a reservation?"

Feeling a little off-put, Mario said, "Yes, yes I do!"

"Your name?"

"Luigi Luigi."

"Luigi... Luigi..." Lucky muttered, examining his clipboard. "Ah! I _do _have a reservation under that name! Welcome aboard! I'll just grab your luggage! You find a seat!"

Mario, deciding he didn't want to go too far in, simply took a seat up near the front. Looking to the side, he saw a window, on the other side of which was a man who looked a lot like Lucky, except shorter, squatter, clean-shaven, and with a red color scheme rather than green. "Hey, new guy! What's up, name's Magic Tonzura! Welcome aboard!" Smile disappearing, he added, "Hope Lucky didn't go through the whole 'reservation' thing with you."

"Is there something... up... with him?" Mario asked uncertainly, not wanting to offend him.

Magic sighed. "We just got the whole 'reservation' system. He's getting _really _into it."

"And here's your stuff!" Lucky said happily as he brought up Mario's suitcase, putting it down next to Mario's seat. "Hey, sitting up front, are you? Rockin! Let's take off, Magic!"

"Right on!" Magic said, smile returning, as he turned around to grab the steering wheel. A second later, they'd suddenly jumped up to 150 mph, easy. Mario looked out of a window to see the world tearing by.

"How do you go this fast without running into anything?" he asked.

"Easy!" Lucky said, pulling out a microphone. "Everything is achievable through the power of rock!" Suddenly, he began singing. "Everybody! Needs somebody! Somebody to love!"

"Somebody to love!" Magic added, singing into a microphone that had randomly descended from the ceiling.

"Somebody to love!"

"Somebody to love!"

As they continued singing, Mario's eyes fell on a nearby newspaper. Seeing a headline that caught his eye, he picked it up. The picture was of a tall man in blue armor. He wore a cape that was blue on the back and orange on the inside. He had a mop of red hair hanging in front of his face, and he was wearing a blue headband. In the picture, he was laughing wildly.

"I need you, you, you!"

"I need you, you, you!"

Mario looked up. "Hey, Lucky!"

"Somebody to love!"

"Lucky?"

"Somebody to love!"

"LUCKY!"

"Hey, calm down!" Lucky said, looking down. "What's going on?"

"Who's this man?"

"WHO'S-" Lucky started. He stopped himself, then, more calmly, he said, "What, you're never been hearing about Roy Aluvia?"

"Aluvia?" Mario asked.

"That's right, Roy Aluvia. He's only one of the most famous- well, infamous- smashers of all time!"

"I heard his name last chapter, but I could have sworn his last name was 'Eliwood...'"

"Nope," Lucky said simply.

"No, I'm pretty sure it was."

"Nah, brah, not this story, man," Lucky affirmed. "Aluvia all the way."

Mario stared for a second, then simply said, "Alright, I heard he escaped from prison-"

"Not just any prison!" Lucky said. "Smasher prison! Not just any smasher prison, that guy broke out of Subspace! No one's ever done that before! It's kind of a big deal, you know."

"What did he do?"

"He was a murderer! Bumped off twelve muggles and a couple of smashers while he was at it! A lot of people think he was... You-Know-Who's right hand man! I sure hope you've heard of that guy!"

Mario's thoughts strayed to the monstrosity that was Tabuu. "Yeah, I think I've heard the name somewhere..." he muttered.

"Lost everything when Tabuu fell, did old Roy," Lucky continued. "Way I heard it, took a good twelve Government officials to bring him in. Word on the wind says the famous prosecutor, Manfred von Karma, got involved, even. And he didn't come out for just any two-bit criminal, keep in mind. If _that _guy's on a case, the defendant's guilty, no question about it."

"And... no one knows how he did it?" Mario asked. "I mean, how he got out?"

"Nope," Lucky shook his head. "Makes the Government even more eager to catch him. They want to know if there's a leak in security. If there's a hole, they want to patch it up. Of course, the idea of a mass murderer on the loose doesn't exactly sound good, either."

"I'd imagine..." Mario muttered, looking down at Roy's face. For some reason, he thought this guy looked familiar...

Mario spent the remainder of the trip in silence, staring out of the window, and occasionally tuning in to the Tonzura Brothers' little live show. Every now and again, the bus would abruptly stop, leading to Mario slamming his face into the window due to inertia, and someone would get off. Finally, Lucky announced, "Next stop, Telma's Bar! Repeat, next stop, Telma's Bar!"

Mario's head snapped up. He paid more attention as the bus took off again. Once more, Lucky pulled up his microphone. "Friends, here's a story 'bout Minnie the Moocher..."

Finally, the bus came to another screeching halt. "Your stop!" Lucky said cheerfully. "Please consider Tonzura Brothers Bussin' for all your future Bussin' needs!"

Mario took a look outside the window. He recognized this place from a couple years back. It was a strip mall- a series of small cafes and shops together in one building, though never connecting. Each one was numbered. Number 16 looked different from all the others, being made entirely out of polished wood. Mario was just about to turn around and grab his luggage when he heard a voice. "Ah, Mario! Just who I was hoping to see!"

Mario violently spun around to see a short man with a big nose in a space suit standing just outside. He recognized him as Olimar Tate, the President of Smashing. "Ah..."

"Hey, is that you, Mr. President?" Lucky said, sounding excited. "Didn't realize you'd be flagging us down, tonight! Sorry, but you're gonna haveta get yourself a reservation, I mean, we can't bend the rules, even for you!" As he spoke, he took out his clipboard.

"Relax!" Olimar said, jumping. "I- I won't be needing a ride, today. I'm just here to pick up Mario!"

"Mario?" Lucky asked, looking nonplused. "Mario who?"

"Mario Mario!" Olimar said, pointing at Mario. "The boy in red you just picked up!"

"Mario... Mario..." Lucky said, looking through his clipboard. "Sorry, sir, it doesn't seem we've picked up any Mario here! That boy's Luigi! Luigi Luigi!"

Olimar sighed, and pulled Mario's hair back to reveal the scar. "See? It's Mario!"

Lucky leaned forward, examining the M on Mario's forehead. "Wow, there, Luigi! Looks like you're a big fan of Mario Mario, aintcha? Can't blame you, he _is _the one who took You-Know-Who down, after all!"

"We're done here," Olimar said, sounding a little agitated. "His luggage?"

"Oh, right on!" Lucky said, retreating back onto the bus. A moment later, he appeared once more, carrying Mario's suitcase. "See you 'round, Weegee!" he said happily as he jumped back onto the bus. A moment later, there was another beeping noise, and with a honking of the horn, the bus had taken off.

Olimar, sighing, turned to look at Mario. "Well, Mario, there's a lot we need to talk about, but it's cold out here- how about we head inside?"

Mario wordlessly nodded. Caught at last.

Olimar led Mario inside. On the inside, the bar itself was empty except for the African woman behind the bar, currently cleaning a glass. Looking over the counter, she smiled warmly. "You need a room, Mr. President?" she asked.

"That would be great, Telma," Olimar nodded. "Anything free?"

After a moment of contemplation, Telma said, "Room 203 ought to be free right now."

"Thanks," Olimar said, nodding. "If you could bring up something to drink, that would be great- on my tab."

"Right away, sir," Telma nodded.

Olimar led Mario up the stairs and to the room Telma had indicated. Mario took a seat on the inside, and Olimar pulled up a chair in front of him.

"So... Mario," Olimar said, looking at him. "You'll be glad to know that I got some people down to your Aunt and Uncle's house, and they've taken care of the whole... situation. We've managed to deflate your Aunt Megan, and her memory is being dealt with as we speak. Your Aunt Kate and Uncle John were a little more difficult to deal with, but they eventually agreed to take you back next Summer." Mario would have expressed his displeasure at this, but he was still waiting for the final blow to fall. "So, that all said, what we really need to focus on now-" Mario closed his eyes, waiting for it... "-is what you're going to be doing until school starts back up again. Now, if you want my personal recommendation-"

"Wait," Mario said, holding up his hands. "Wait a second. Wait."

"Yes, Mario?" Olimar asked, raising his eyebrows.

"What about... you know... my punishment?"

"Punishment?" Olimar asked, looking surprised. Next to them, the door opened, and Telma came in with a tray of drinks. She paused, sounding interested. "Why, I don't imagine that any is necessary in this situation..."

"But... I blew up my Aunt!" Mario said, confused.

"Accidental lashing-outs of young smashers' powers are very common when a smasher is young," Olimar said, giving a smile that seemed to be attempting to be understanding. "I mean, what, did you expect to go to Subspace for a little thing like that?"

Mario stared.

Olimar shrugged. "Really, the worst thing you did tonight was to run off into the night like that. Very dangerous, you know, what with Roy Piazzolla on the loose."

"Yeah, I heard about-" Mario looked up, confusion in his eyes again. "Wait, Roy _Piazzolla?_"

"Of course. What did you think his last name was?"

"Well, last chapter, it was Eliwood, and then Lucky said it was Aluvia..."

"No, no, I'm 100% certain it's 'Piazzolla,'" Olimar said. "I should know, I'm following this case very closely. I mean, my term of office is up a year from now, I don't want to go out as the President who let Roy Piazzolla escape."

Mario shrugged. "But what does Roy... um... _Piazzolla _have to do with me?"

Olimar turned white. "Oh, nothing, nothing!" he said, waving his arms. "Really, nothing! Forget I said anything!"

"Okay..." Mario said, staring. "I just thought it was a little weird that you're not punishing me."

"Well, do you _want _to be punished?" Olimar asked, his eyebrows raising again. "Um... Telma, what do you think?"

"I think this room is next to Giygas, so he's got enough punishment already," Telma said, her eyes narrowing in distaste.

Mario's mind fell on the twisted red spirit he'd met two years before. Inwardly, he shuddered, but at least he'd be able to go back to the Smash Bros.

"Well, there you go," Olimar said, turning back to him. "Now, as I was saying, we need to talk about what you're going to do for the rest of your Summer! Like I said, if you want my personal recommendation, you could just stay here. I'd be more than happy to foot the bill, and you'd have free access to Twisted Lane!"

Mario thought it over for a brief second, then simply said, "Yeah, that sounds good to me, Mr. President."

"Okay!" Olimar said, sounding thoroughly relieved. "Well, I must be getting back to the Government! Just send me the bill at a later time, Telma!" he added on the way out.

Telma smiled. "By the way," she said to Mario, "I've got something to show you."

She left the room for a moment, then returned with an albatross in a cage.

"Parakarry?" Mario asked, gaping.

"Smart bird you have here," she said. "Got here just a moment or two before you did. Well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to give me a shout."

With this, she turned and headed down the stairs. Parakarry took a leap from her arm and settled on the bedside table. For a moment, Mario sat next to him, stroking him absentmindedly, thinking of all the strange things that had occurred that night. Leaving the Smiths, angry, then becoming afraid, then being picked up by what was apparently a traveling rock-and-roll band, caught by the president, more fear, then being let go...

He shook his head. "I need a freaking Dew," he muttered, standing. He headed over to the door and out into the hall. His ultimate destination? The bar.

_XXXX_

And... success! They said I couldn't do it! I sure showed _them_! (I don't know who 'they' are, granted, but whatever.) I am so glad to not be going on hiatuses here! I'm so happy that I'm going to skip right to signing off! Please R&R, constructive criticism or any questions (the Q&A system is still in effect) perfectly welcome, flames will not be used, because it's already pretty hot around here, Gamer4 out!


	4. Twisted Lane Episode 2

Gamer4 in. Alright, if I'm sticking to my new update schedule, this chapter should be up on... Monday. Here's hoping!

Disclaimer: I own the box of Cinnamon Life that I happened to look over and see as I wrote out this disclaimer.

Chapter IV

Twisted Lane Episode II: Electric Boogaloo

It wasn't until a week after Mario's arrival in Twisted Lane that he met up with Zelda and Link. By then, he'd already managed to do just about all his shopping, a few highlights of which will be discussed now.

The first place Mario went, the morning after his strange arrival, was to Hoarder's Book Store. He first headed into a small courtyard behind Telma's Bar, taking care to head out early to avoid crowds, only to realize that he still wasn't entirely sure which brick he was supposed to tap to get into Twisted Lane from there. The previous year, he'd used a warp pipe to get to Twisted Lane- granted, that was via a detour through Lavender Lane, but the point still stands. The year before that, well... the Crazy Hand had told him not to talk about that. His salvation came from an... unexpected source.

"Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario... f...r...i...e...n...d..." came a voice from behind him. Mario turned to see a twisted red spirit.

"Oh, hey, Giygas," he said, recognizing the strange, ethereal being from a couple years ago. "You wouldn't happen to know which brick opens up Twisted Lane, would you?"

"Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario... go... back..."

Mario sighed. From what he'd heard, Giygas was always this unmanageable. Pointing to one of the bricks, he said, "Is it this one?"

"It's not right, not right... Mario..."

"Yeah, I know, it's me, Mario," Mario sighed. "How about this one?"

"I... feel... good..."

Mario, taking this as a good sign, pressed against the brick. The brick withdrew into the wall, and the wall split apart like double doors, swinging wide open for him. "Awesome," he said, smiling. "Thanks, Giygas!"

"Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario... friend... I'm... h...a...p...p...y..."

"Again, great," Mario muttered, before turning to Twisted Lane itself.

It wasn't a distant hike up the road to get to Hoarder's Book Store. As Mario turned into the store, he saw a strange structure of the type that one doesn't commonly associate with bookstores: a large, glass tank of some kind. He stared at it. It was full of books that were shooting dark magic all over the place. The cover looked oddly familiar...

He stepped into the store. The store owner, a short man with insanely long hair, including his eyebrows, moustache, and beard, turned to him. The hair was all white, he was dressed in flowing green robes, and he carried a large wooden staff. "Hello?" Mario said. "Any other customers? Do I need to... I don't know... take a number or something?" He wasn't really used to this- this was his first time shopping there alone.

"No, no, business hasn't started swelling up yet," the old man said, waving his hand dismissively. "Alright, school and year?"

"Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing... third year," Mario said.

"Ah," the owner said, turning around and stepping out from behind the counter. "Then I'd say you'd need at least the _Super Smash Bros. Melee Instruction Book, Part Two, _by Anolis Anomore, right?"

"That's the one," Mario nodded. "Also, would you happen to have a copy of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J. K. Rowling?_"

"Yeah, I think we- wait," the owner said, turning to him in surprise. "Why would you want that?"

"I'm getting tired about finding everything out too late," Mario shrugged. "I mean, I'm not planning on spoiling everything for myself, I just want... you know, a point of reference." The old man stared.

"Alright, we can get that for you... what electives you takin' this year, young'n?"

"Oh, uh... well, I have Smashing Creatures..." Mario said, looking at his letter.

The store owner, who had just lifted the _Super Smash Bros. Melee Instruction Book, Part Two _from the shelf made an odd sort of choking noise as he heard this. Spinning around, he said, "Wait, are you serious?"

"Yeah, pretty serious," Mario said, nonplused.

The old man suddenly began grumbling. "Great, now I gotta get one of those dang books out..." he said as he crossed the room towards the tank. Suddenly understanding something, Mario reached into his bag and looked at the book he'd belted shut back at the Smiths'. "Hold it!" he shouted, causing the words to appear in a gigantic stamp in front of him, hanging in the air for a brief second before vanishing. He ignored this, he'd seen it enough the previous year. The old man, however, turned.

"What is it?"

"Isn't that just this book?"

The old man leaned forward to examine it. "Why, so it is," he agreed, sounding relieved. "Sorry, my boy, I'm a little on edge, stocking these things. This is the required book for Smashing Creatures this year. I hate these things, someone else can stock 'em next year. Breaking out into duels every five minutes, and it's horrible trying to get them out of that tank... so, any other electives?"

Mario looked back at his letter and said, "Oh, yeah, I'm starting off in Psychic Powers this year."

"Psychic powers, psychic powers," the old man muttered, stroking his beard for a brief moment. Finally, he snapped his fingers. "Then you'll be wanting _Seizing Your Destiny, _by Dunban Uzuki, right?"

Mario glanced at his booklist. Sure enough, right under the two other required books, it said _Seizing Your Destiny, by Dunban Uzuki._

The old man chuckled lightly as he beckoned Mario to a separate wing of the store. "First year of Psychic Powers is always about the future. Funny thing, Dunban wasn't even a psychic, he just knew how to interpret the future- and he knew quite a bit about changing it 'round, some, I'll tell you that!"

However, he had lost Mario's attention. Mario's eyes had fallen on another book, right next to the one the shop owner was pulling down. On the spine was printed the picture of a large creature of some sort. He could only recognize the pinpricks serving as the creature's eyes, but there was something about the outline at large that was familiar. "Excuse me," he said. "What's that book?"

The shop owner turned to examine the book Mario was indicating. Smiling softly, he shook his head. "Oh, you won't be needing that one for a few years, sonny. That's the grimmest parts of Psychic Powers, right there, seeing signs of death. Oh, no, you stick with Dunban here for this year, trust me."

Mario mutely paid the store owner for his new books and left the shop.

XXXX

As Mario made his way back down Twisted Lane, with no real goal in mind, he happened upon a group of students clustered around the outside of a store named _Dick's Smash-Up Goods Store_. As he approached, he recognized one of the students, a tall boy dressed in green with blue overalls, as the real Luigi Luigi. "Hey, Lu," he said as he drew near. "What's everyone looking at?"

Luigi turned to beam at the arrival of his old friend. "Oh, Mario!" he said happily. "It's the newest model of kart- the Wild Wing! Supposed to be able to jump from 0- 100-"

"Interesting," Mario nodded, "but the Flame Runner can manage-"

"-in .33 nanoseconds," Luigi finished.

Mario's jaw dropped. "Are you for real?" he asked, staring.

"Yeah, it's amazing," Luigi said, grabbing onto his hat as he stood on tiptoe to peer over. "Even _looks _pretty awesome, and the word is, it customizes itself depending on the driver, but never changes what it looks like, so you always can find it if it gets stolen or something. And it's got the hottest new feature in karts everywhere!"

"What's that?"

"It's tied to the keys- it stays in hammerspace, safe, until you turn the keys in midair to summon it up! Much easier to transport that way."

"Now that you mention it, how have we been transporting karts up until now?"

Luigi thought about it for a moment. "Meh, not important. And I guess the Wild Wing isn't, really, either. I mean, it would be nice to have, but they only give out the price on request- so you can imagine what that means."

Mario could indeed. However, as he had been thinking before, he already had a great kart in his Flame Runner- no sense emptying all the money out of his bank account just to buy something as expensive as the Wild Wing when he had a great kart already.

Saying his good-bye to Luigi, Mario headed over to an ice cream parlor. It was shaping up to be a hot day, so he decided to stop in and get a sundae. And then, because the author asked him to because it would make a decent transition, he decided to head outside and sit on one of those picnic tables to eat it.

XXXX

And how convenient that he did, because that actually makes a great transition to how we started this chapter!

It was about a week after Mario had arrived that he was sitting at the exact same picnic-style bench outside the ice cream parlor, finishing off his last summer essay with his tongue frozen due to the sundae he was finishing off at the same time. It was the last bit of school-related stuff he had to do there, having done all his shopping and finished off the rest of his homework beforehand. He was just rounding out the conclusion when a stranger approached him.

"Hey, man," said the newcomer in an extremely thick accent. "You want a watch?"

Mario dropped his spoon, closing his eyes as this cliche fell upon his ears. Looking up, he saw a young man with short blond hair dressed in some sort of ninja clothing sitting across the table from him. He was leaning forward in the chair, fingers folded. "A... watch," Mario said, deadpanning for all he was worth.

"Watch good value," the young man shrugged. "Perhaps a gift for your... lady friend?"

Mario choked on his ice cream. "I... don't have a lady friend right now..." he stammered, reaching up and running a hand through his hair.

"What, handsome boy like you? No lady friend?"

Mario stuttered some more. Distractedly, he grabbed a book from his bag to hide behind. It happened to be _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. _He opened it to a random page and buried his head in it. Suddenly, he looked up. "Wait a second..."

"What, you have problem?" the young man asked.

"I just looked up where we are in the book right now... and... you're... _not in the source material!_" Mario declared, pointing his finger dramatically.

"Oh, am I not?" the young man asked, standing. He raised his arms over his head and began to spin around incredibly fast. As he did, he was encompassed by a blinding blue light, which, when it died down, revealed a young woman in the man's place, with long blond hair, pointed ears, and dressed in... a dress. "That's hurtful, Mario!" Zelda said with mock-reproach in her voice. "After all this time?"

Mario turned as red as his clothing when he heard a laugh from behind him. "You, my friend, have been punked!" said a new voice. Mario turned to see a different blond young man approaching from behind him. Unlike the previous one, he recognized this one- with those green clothes, blue eyes, and floppy hat, this could be none other than Link Faron himself.

Mario sighed, putting his head down on the table. "I hate you both," he muttered with his face still on the tabletop.

"No you don't!" Link said in a singsong voice as he approached. "What, did you forget that Zelda could do that?"

"Well, after knowing her for a year and a half without that ability, it kind of threw me off, yeah," Mario muttered.

This probably bears some explaining. Long story short (again, the full story is only a couple clicks away...) (Shameless self-promotion), the previous year, Zelda had made a transforming power-up for the group that had gone horribly awry and given her the ability to shapeshift into a young man that she'd dubbed 'Sheik' at will.

"It was Link's idea," Zelda said, cheeks a little red even as she laughed with Link. "We saw you sitting there, and he whispered to me, 'Hey, let's see if he remembers Sheik, shall we?' I think Kirby and Meta are rubbing off on him."

Link wiped a tear from his eye. "Hey, I could never have put on that performance you just put on. Bravo, really, bravo!"

Raising his head, Mario said, "Speaking of Kirby and Meta, where are they?"

"Huh?" Link asked, turning to him.

"Well, I'm assuming you're here with your family. Where are they?"

"Oh, we're staying at Telma's Bar for the last couple weeks of Summer," Link said.

"I'm staying with them," Zelda said, turning to him. "Mom and Dad dropped me off at the Strip Mall."

"So, you guys just headed out on a shopping trip?" Mario asked.

"Well, we had a couple goals in mind," Link shrugged. "Get all restocked for next year, the usual, you know. We just had to stop by and say 'Hi,' when we saw you here. How're you doing?"

"Oh, I'm staying at Telma's Bar, too," Mario said, finishing off the last sentence of his essay as he spoke. "And I just finished my homework."

"Sweet!" Link said. "What say we take a walk?"

"Sounds good to me," Mario shrugged, standing.

Behind them, Zelda quickly rounded off Mario's sundae, then quickly fell in with them.

As they walked, Mario noticed that the color of the hilt sticking out of the sheath behind Link's back had changed. "I see you got a new power controller," he noted.

"You're not going to deny he needed one, are you?" Zelda said, smirking.

"Shut up, you two," Link said, with anger not really evident in his voice. "Yeah, stopped by Game-and-Watch's place first thing we got the money- before heading off to visit Linebeck, even. Couldn't exactly go around with my old sword, you know..."

Mario would have taken the time to recall the situation in which a giant flower had destroyed Link's sword, but the previous story, _Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets _is a real steal at the grand price of 0 dollars and 0 cents, (shameful, yet shameless self-promotion) so he neglected to remember any sort of context for that statement. He did, however, remember to make a mental note to murder the author the next time he promoted his previous stories. This caused the author to back off.

"So, where are we going?" Mario wondered out loud.

"Well," Zelda shrugged, looking around, "I got some money from my parents for my birthday... would you believe that muggle money is actually pretty good in the smasher world? Anyways, I was thinking of using it to get myself something..."

"Wait, wait, wait, let me guess," Link said, a smirk on his face. "_Bill Nye, the Science Guy, the Complete Series, _right?"

"Actually, I was more of a _Magic School Bus _fan," Zelda shrugged. "And no, what I actually want is an albatross. I mean, I'm kind of the odd one out here, between Parakarry-" here, she nodded at Mario, "-and Bootler..."

"Hey, Bootler's not my albatross, he's the family albatross," Link pointed out.

"Well, even so," Zelda said, "I just think it would be nice."

"Sounds good," Mario said. "Now, where does one buy an albatross?"

"At the Pokemart," Zelda said.

"Right," Mario nodded. "At the Poke-" suddenly, he turned to Zelda. "Why would they have albatrosses at the Pokemart?"

"Didn't you know? Albatrosses are pokemon!"

"No, I did not know this," Mario said, staring. "Any other creatures I should be aware of that are secretly pokemon?"

"...Duck-billed Platypuses... platypi... just a second." Zelda reached into her dress and pulled out a dictionary. After thumbing through it for a second, she said, "Platypuses."

Mario stared. "That explains so much, yet so little..."

"Meh, it fits in with my schedule anyways," Link said. "I needed to stop by a pokemart anyways."

"Link, we've been through this," Zelda said, smirking, "there are other ways to level up besides rare candies!"

"Not for me!" Link objected. "It's for Oreo! He's been looking a little sick ever since we got back from Egypt. Weirdly enough, I think it was after that day I caught him reading the newspaper! Anyways, I was going to stop by the pokemart and see what they had for him..."

"I just noticed Oreo is on your shoulder," Mario said, looking over and seeing the very sick-looking indeed cucoo perched there.

"Yeah, that is weird," Link nodded, looking over. "I think even the narrator's failed to mention it up 'til now."

"Can we appeal for a new author?" Mario asked, rolling his eyes. "You know, one that doesn't have to make big scenes out of little corrections like this?"

"No, I think we're pretty much stuck with Gamer4," Zelda sighed.

While he was busy grumbling about this, Mario suddenly realized something. "Wait, Link, why do you think the pokemart will have something for Oreo? Are cucoos pokemon, too?"

"Oh, no, but I think pokemon potions work on just about every animal," Link explained.

This was about when they arrived in front of the building itself.

XXXX

The inside was brightly lit. Behind a counter was a young man dressed in a blue jacket and jeans. He turned around as they entered. A bright, almost insane smile crossed his face. "Hello!" he said in a much-too-cheery voice. "I'm the Pokemon Professor! Thanks for coming in today! How can I help you?!"

"Um..." Link and Zelda both said, looking at each other uncertainly.

"Minion!" said another voice from behind a door. Everyone turned to look at it. Out from it emerged a young man with black hair, dressed in a white shirt with a red coat. On his head was a red hat with a white arch on the front. "Are you scaring away customers again?"

"I told you, I'm not your minion!" the man in blue said.

"That's only because you're so low-ranked that you're not allowed to know that you're a minion!" the man in red retorted.

"Shut up, Nurse!" the man in blue shouted back. "I'm the Pokemon Professor! I know what's best!"

"Right. You're the Pokemon Professor... and I'm the assistant who actually knows what he's doing."

As the man in blue fumbled around for a moment, the man in red turned to the three sitting, stupefied, behind the counter. "Sorry about him. He's been like that ever since he went through the ceremony."

"Wait, what ceremony?" Zelda asked, staring.

"Meh, not important," the man in red said quickly. "Anyways, just call him Blue. And I'm Red. And... I'm the real Pokemon Professional here."

"But not the Professor?" Link asked, his eyebrow raised.

"No, _I'm _the Pokemon Professor!" Blue shouted.

"Yeah, he's the Professor, and I'm the one who's actually professional," Red whispered.

"No, _I'm _Dirty Dan!" Blue shouted.

Everyone was silent for a brief moment.

"Anyways," Red finally spoke, "How can I help you?"

"You first," Zelda whispered as she pushed Link forward. He threw a brief resentful look backward before stepping up to the desk.

Clearing his throat, Link said, "I have a cucoo, I think he's sick, can you take a look for me?"

"I'll see what I can see," Red said, gently lifting Oreo off Link's shoulder and laying him on the table. "Hm... yes, I see..."

"Whatcha got there?" Blue asked, peering over Red's shoulder. Snorting, he said, "Meh, it's got nothing on a Zubat."

Red sighed. "Enough with the freaking Zubats," he muttered. Looking up at Link, he said, "This cucoo doesn't look good. Looks like you dragged him through a minefield before you brought him here. I'm not certain how long it'll last- a week at best, end of the year at most, maybe four years if you give it a metal wing or something like that."

"I... don't want it to have a metal wing," Link said, looking somewhat awkward at the thought.

"Yeah, most don't," Red shrugged. "I can get you a new pokemon, if you like. How does that sound? I mean, I've only got starters..."

"I've got three starters!" Blue interrupted. "Here! You've got a Zubat, a Zubat, and a Zubat! They're all level 55!"

"Then why haven't they evolved by now?" Red asked, glaring at his partner. "You have that weird... I don't know, I really don't know what it is with you and Zubats! Especially when you can have an Eevee!" Sighing, he turned back to Link. "So, I've got three starter pokemon for you, how does that sound?"

Link, looking uncertain, said, "Wouldn't that basically be a Bulbasaur, a Charmander, or a Squirtle?"

"Actually, no!" Red said, smiling. "I've got 'em all evolved up already! Comin' at you with your choice of a Venusaur, a Charizard, or a Blastoise!"

"Or you could always take a Zubat..." Blue muttered in the background.

Red closed his eyes for brief moment before turning on his partner. "Look, if it came down to a contest between your team of three unevolved freakin' Zubats and my team of every possible evolution of Eevee, Eevee would be the clear winner, alright? So for once, can you _shut up _about the dang _Zubats?!_"

"Shun he who does not believe in Zubats!" Blue shouted, pointing dramatically.

"I think I'd like to stick with my own cucoo," Link interrupted.

Ignoring Blue slinking off into the back room, Red turned to Link and said, "Okay, well, in that case, what you'll want is some potions. Mostly effective on pokemon, but hey, just about the best we can do for that cucoo of yours, so..."

"Alright," Link said, reaching into his money bag. "Here, I've got... four rupees."

"That oughta cover it!" Red said with a smile. "Thank you for doing business at-"

"_ZUBATS FOREVER!_" came a cry from the back room, and Blue appeared, pokeball in hand. He tossed it, shouting, "ZUBAT! I CHOOSE YOU!"

The ball landed on the table and opened up. A beam of light shot out of it, forming into a cat-like pokemon that was most definitely _not _a Zubat, which tackled Link head on. Oreo panicked, and, with a flurry of feathers and buck-_awks_! he shot out of the store, running down the lane. Link finally managed to pry the strange cat creature off his face, at which point he noticed Oreo's absence, and, with a cry, ran out after his pet. Mario, after one more second of laughing at the whole situation, set out after him.

Working together, it took the boys quite a few minutes to track down Oreo and finally restore him to his resting place on Link's shoulder.

"Well... that wasn't a Zubat," Mario said lamely, unable to think of anything else.

"Well... now we have a firm grasp... of the obvious..." Link panted through a stitch in his side.

However, they hadn't managed to return to the pokemart yet when Zelda came out of it, a cat-like creature curled up on her shoulder.

"What," Link said, staring.

"Hey, guys!" Zelda said cheerfully. "I got myself a pet! Meet Simba! He's a Meowth!"

"What, what," Link said, still staring.

"You... actually bought that thing?" Mario asked, staring.

"Why not? It's not like it was his fault," Zelda pointed out. "Blue scared him by tossing him in the pokeball."

"What, what, what."

"Oh, come on, Link," Zelda said, sighing. "Let's just... get back to Telma's Bar." As they moved along, she produced a bag. "Oh, by the way, I got your potions. You left so quickly, you forgot to pick them up."

"What, what, what, what."

XXXX

Outside of Telma's bar, the three found the rest of the Farons waiting to greet them.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Kirby said, excitedly jumping forward as he saw the newcomer. "Guess who Link picked up!"

"Ah, the allure of the wild Mario," Meta Knight said in a terrible British accent. "The wild Mario prospers mainly with his own kind."

"Oh, Mario!" said Uli Faron, moving forward to hug him. "We were hoping we'd see you before you headed out to the Smash Mansion!"

"Indeed we were," agreed Rusl Faron, leaning in the background. Mario couldn't help but think his smile was somewhat forced. Though, maybe that was just his paranoia talking.

"Ah, Mario, my good man, how wonderful to see you," said Rob the robot, moving forward to shake Mario's hand. Mario could hardly keep back from laughing at Rob's typical demeanor, only made funnier by Rob's traditional monotone. "I trust the world has been treating you well?"

"Yes, Mario, good sir, how _has _the world been treating you this fine day?!" Kirby asked, nudging Rob aside.

"I find it to be rather humid, myself," Meta stepped in, pushing his brother to the side. "Would you like to discuss the difference between humidity and dry heat?"

"Alright, back off, everyone," Uli said firmly.

"Yeah, I'm here too, you know," Link muttered, though with a flicker of good humor in his eyes.

XXXX

It's somewhat unnecessary to cover the rest of the vacation, so let's skip right to the final dinner that the group had before heading out the next day to the Smash Bros. Mario had quietly joined up with the Farons for the remainder of the time, and they, of course, were only too happy to have him. So, naturally, he was eating with them on the final night. The story picks up again as Rusl clears his throat to make an announcement. "Farons!" he declares. "Tomorrow, as you all know, we'll be heading to SeaTac Airport so you can all catch the Great Fox to the Smash Bros.!"

There was some applause at this, mainly from Kirby and Meta Knight.

"Now, it's quite a distance from here to SeaTac, so I've spoken with Mr. Tate, and he's agreed to lend us some Government-Issue cars."

"G.I. Cars!" Kirby and Meta chorused. "Rise of Toyota!"

"Stop it!" Rob cried in monotone. "You are going to get us sued!"

XXXX

Later on, Mario was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling blankly. Suddenly, he heard raised voices from beside him. Standing curiously, he headed out into the hall and into the room next to his (not Giygas's, obviously.) In this room, Link and Rob were bunkmates- much to the dismay of each.

"Something up?" Mario asked sleepily.

"It's the bag of potions I bought last week- you know, for Oreo," Link said, looking around. "I think I left it back at the dinner table..."

"And he has also lost my Head Boy badge!" Rob said, sounding as hysterical as one can in a monotone. "How am I supposed to assume my authority without that?!"

"Well, I don't know," Link said, turning to look sarcastically at his brother. "But I'll tell you what I _do _know- I didn't lose your dang badge!"

"You must have! It is the only explanation!"

"Or maybe _you _misplaced it?"

"Me? That is impossible! I am perfect in every way!"

This statement was met with a pillow to Rob's non-existant kisser. "How's _that _for perfect in every way?" Link said, a smirk across his face.

"I'll just go grab the potions, is that alright?" Mario asked, glancing out at the hallway.

"That oughtta cut it, ye-" Link started, only to be cut off as another pillow smacked him in the face.

"You realize of course that this means war, brother!" Rob snarled- or as close as a robot could get to it.

"Alright, we'll see once and for all who is triumphant!" Link shouted, turning to his brother. "The brain- or the silicon!"

Mario ducked out of the room and into the hallway, heading down towards the dining room, when another force ten argument met his ears. He would have just gone ahead, doing his best to ignore it, but the mention of his name caused him to freeze.

"-the fact is, he _is _after Mario!" said a voice that sounded very much like Rusl's.

"Oh, how can anyone really be certain of what a madman like that is really after?" retorted a voice that sounded like Uli. "After all, Roy's been locked up in Subspace for thirteen years now, it's not like he's thinking rationally."

"I know that's what they _say,_ Uli, but it would take someone at least _somewhat _rational to break out of Subspace, as Roy Pherae has done! And it would also take a goal- a reason to break out. And we all know-"

"Wait, Pherae?"

"Yes, what about it?"

"Wasn't his name Piazzolla last chapter?"

"No, it was definitely Pherae."

"...Okay, continue."

"Right... as I was saying, we all know Roy was fanatically devoted to You-Know-Who! Who else would he hate but the one who brought You-Know-Who down? And on top of that, the guards of Subspace reported that he's been shouting about Mario! Always the same words- 'He's at the Smash Bros.! He's at the Smash Bros.!' The signs are much too clear-"

"And you want to just _tell _Mario about it? Imagine what that could do to the poor boy!" Uli interrupted.

Mario had heard enough at this point. Ignoring the continued argument, he began making his way upstairs again.

"Hey, Mario!" came a pair of voices as he climbed. Beckoning him into their room was Kirby and Meta Knight, who were chortling as they showed him a round piece of metal. "Rob's badge," Kirby explained.

"We've improved it," Meta said, struggling to hold his laughter back.

The badge had shifted to read _Mythical RPS Badge. _"What does RPS stand for?" Mario asked.

"Rock, paper, scissors!" Kirby and Meta said, throwing their hands out against each other.

"Dang it, why do you always pick rock?" Kirby said.

"Me? It's _you _who always picks rock!"

"Have you two seen Link's potions anywhere?" Mario interrupted.

"Huh?" Kirby asked, distracted. "Oh, yeah, we borrowed that, too. Nothing better for redesigning badges. Here you go," he added, handing Mario a bag.

Mario nodded, thanking them, then headed out into the hallway, leaving the bag in front of Rob and Link's doors as he passed, not eager to enter on the war that sounded like it was going on in there.

With that, Mario moved quietly into his room. Well, this explained everything. Roy was actually out to get him. It certainly explained Olimar's leniency- he was so relieved that Mario was even alive after having been out in Roy's mercy that he was willing to give some allowances.

Mario sighed. He wasn't sure what disturbed him more- the idea that this meant he wouldn't be able to find any other way to get into Kurain Village, or the fact that he was dwelling more on that idea than the idea that Roy, a psychotic lunatic who worked for the most feared smasher of all time, was after him. Then again, maybe he was just kind of used to this from his previous years. Sensing another opportunity for Gamer4 to self-endorse, he summoned a threatening handful of fire. Once it became clear Gamer4 wasn't going to self-endorse, he sighed and put the fire out. Sometimes he wondered if he was going crazy.

With this in mind, he went to his window and peered out down Twisted Lane. He could see dark magic spawning from the books in Hoarder's Book Store's tank, and he could distantly hear screams of "Zubat!" "Eevee!" "Zubat!" "Eevee!" accompanied by other sounds. He sighed. What _was _normal, anyways?

_XXXX_

Well... wasn't that a long chapter? Seriously, I need to check, but I think this might be the longest chapter I've ever written. I need to take a nap! Anyways, I have a confession to make: while Red and Blue bear the names and appearance of the heroes of Pokemon Red and Blue respectively, their personalities are modeled off a couple of friends of mine that I recently met up with for the last time in a while, possibly for the last time, period. Wow, way to make that sound depressing, me. I want to stress, they are both still alive and healthy, just not in any position where I'm likely to see them for a while- or possibly ever again. Trying to make this sound less depressing, I just wanted to note that fact. Some of their dialogue is quoted verbatim from actual conversations between those two.

Anyways, one question to answer this chapter from Vinepetal: the whole thing with Roy's surname is a bit of an inside joke because, long story short, I had a lot of trouble deciding what Roy's surname should be. Don't worry, I have decided, and it will actually be revealed next chapter- which, assuming I continue to follow this update schedule, should be posted... um... Friday! See you then! Please R&R, constructive criticism and questions always welcomed, flames will be used to forge the Legendary H&S Badge, Gamer4 out.


	5. It

Gamer4 in! I'll be honest, I'm a little nervous here, because there's a lot going on over here, and I might not get this up as soon as I'd like it... alright, let's jump right in!

Disclaimer: Last horror story title, I promise. Probably.

Chapter V

It

When Mario awoke the next morning, it was to find the Farons running rapidly around the bar, observing their usual pre-Smash Bros. tradition of realizing just how much they'd left for the last minute. Mario had seen an example of this tradition the previous year, when he'd been staying with them for the summer, so was able to recognize it pretty well. The thing that actually awoke him was a shouting match next door between Link and Rob. Link, it seemed, had accidentally left a bottle of water sitting on top of a seemingly innocent piece of paper that had turned out to be a picture of a female red robot. Specifically, Juana Itoi, Rob's girlfriend. Rob was now raging at him for leaving a ring of water on said photograph, leading to a certain amount of tension between them. More than there usually was, that is.

Mario had to hand it to the Government employees who were driving them to Seatac Airport, they were pretty patient. Even as early as all the Farons arose, it was a quick scramble to get all their luggage together. Mario had packed the night before, and Zelda had hardly unpacked to begin with, so they were largely left to run around helping the others where they could. Finally, they had their things together, including a carrier for Zelda's new Meowth, and had gotten into the cars.

Everyone was tense on the ride there, as they had left a little late, and the time for the Great Fox, the ship that would take them to the Smash Mansion, to leave was ticking closer and closer. The cars the Government had lent them seemed pretty normal, especially compared to the bus the Tonzura Brothers drove, but Mario couldn't help but notice that they were getting through the traffic pretty well for how... bumper to bumper it was.

Finally, they arrived at the airport and rushed over to the gate to the legendary Platform Q, taking the form of a water park advertisement, wherein the water would move if anyone touched it. As they approached it, Rusl abruptly brought everyone to a halt. "Okay," he said, "I know we're running short on time, but it would be kind of awkward if everyone went through all at once, so I'm thinking we should go through two at a time. Everyone agree?" After a general muttering of agreement, Rusl nodded and grabbed Mario's shoulder. "Alright, shall we go, Mario?"

Mario didn't raise any objections as he and Rusl started forward. They ran directly at the wall, and, the next second, looked up to find themselves standing in front of a gigantic, sci-fi style ship. "Ah, that wasn't so difficult, was it?" Rusl smiled, looking up.

Mario gave a mute nod and started forward, but Rusl put out his hand, dropping it on Mario's shoulder. "Ah, Mario, before you go, a thought just occurred to me. Mind if we have a word?"

Mario, feeling he should have expected this after the previous night, nodded and allowed himself once more to be steered off to the side, just as the twins leapt through.

Once Rusl had led him what he seemed to feel was a sufficient distance away, he dropped his cheery manner as he turned to Mario. "Now," he said. "Mario, we need to have a talk."

"I already know, Mr. Faron," Mario said quickly, turning red. "When a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"Not that talk. And didn't you use that joke already?"

"Yeah..."

"Don't reuse jokes. It's undignified."

"I thought it was okay to reuse jokes, as long as we don't run them into the ground?"

"Well," Rusl said, putting his hand up to his chin in thought, "I suppose that that's okay, yes, but everyone has a different interpretation of how far a joke can go before it's run into the ground, and-"

"Rusl!" came Uli's voice. "The Fox!"

"Just a second, Uli!" Rusl said quickly. Turning back to Mario, he shook his head quickly. "That's not the point! There's something I need to tell you. It's about Roy Pherae."

Now Mario realized what he was talking about. "Don't worry, Mr. Faron, I already know," he said quickly.

"You... you know?" Rusl said, looking slightly taken aback.

"Yeah, Roy broke out to get me. I'm guessing it has something to do with how I got this..." Mario briefly ran a finger over his scar. "Sorry. I was coming back down to the bar last night, and I kind of overheard you and Mrs. Faron talking about it."

Rusl sighed. "Well, that's not the way I'd planned on telling you..."

"Hey, it's alright," Mario said. "Now I know, and you haven't technically told me anything."

"Perhaps that _is _better," Rusl mused. "So, now that you know that, I bet you know what I'm going to say next, don't you?"

Mario's turn to sigh. "Yeah. I should be a good boy and stay in the Mansion, right?"

"Not exactly," Rusl said. "I know what you three are like, always off and trying to solve the mystery of the year, but what I really want to do is... well, put you on your guard."

"I was... going to be on my guard anyways..." Mario said, not certain why Rusl felt the need to elaborate on that.

"No, that's not what I mean!" Rusl said, shaking his head in slight agitation. "I mean... what I'm trying to say is... Mario, I don't want you to _look_ for Roy."

Now Mario was really confused. "Mr. Faron... I don't follow. I know I've done some weird stuff before, but why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?"

Rusl now looked really uncomfortable. "Well... the thing is... Roy was your-"

"Rusl!" Uli cried out. They turned to see that the Great Fox was preparing for takeoff. Mario gave a small gasp and ran towards the door (one of those doors that opened out from the front to create stairs up to the ship.) As he ran, he didn't have time to look back and see the look on Rusl's face.

"Sorry... I took too long..." he muttered. "You'll find out, I suppose..."

Mario rushed towards the stairs as quick as he could. Kirby, Meta Knight, and Link were standing just inside. "Quick, toss us your suitcase!" the twins said, holding out their arms. Mario raised his case over his head and tossed it to them as hard as he could, then jumped up just as the ship lifted off the ground. He fell slightly short, but Link reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him the rest of the way in. Finally, as they stood in the entrance, watching the ground fall away, the stair-door pulled up, closing them in.

Mario turned to see Zelda looking questioningly at the door. "Seems a little strange that they waited that long to close the door, doesn't it?" she wondered out loud. "I mean, you'd think it would be more efficient to close the door, _then _take off, wouldn't you?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad they didn't," Mario grumbled. "Thanks, guys."

"Hey, no problem!" Kirby said.

"We noticed you hadn't gotten on yet, thought we'd stay back and make sure you did," Meta added.

"Anyways, can't hang around here all day!" Kirby put in.

"We're heading up to meet Teddy! He said he's got something to show us!"

Mario watched as the twin puffballs rushed away and up into the heart of the ship.

"What was Dad keeping you back for, anyways?" Link asked, looking at his friend.

"I'll tell you when we find a seat," Mario said.

"Might be more difficult than you think," Zelda put in. "We left finding a seat kind of late, it might be more difficult than you think to find an empty one."

XXXX

As it turned out, she was right. As Zelda is wont to be. Every compartment on the vast ship had at least one person in it. Unable to find a truly empty compartment, they instead chose the next best thing- a compartment where the only other occupant was asleep. They couldn't see a single feature on this particular occupant, as his entire body was covered in a large coat. They could hear the sound of gentle, sleep-sounding breathing coming from beneath it. Slowly, they stepped in and took their seats, careful not to disturb him.

"So, who is this guy?" Link asked, looking at their neighbor.

"Well, I don't know who he is, but I can tell you he's one of our teachers, and I can give you his initials," Zelda said, looking up in the general direction of the ceiling.

"What, you're a mind reader, all of a sudden?" Link asked, looking at her in exasperation.

Zelda's reply met him with equal exasperation. "No, I just saw his suitcase," she said, pointing upwards. Mario and Link both looked up to see a suitcase labeled _Professor F. J. M. _

"Oh," Link said sheepishly.

Moving slowly, so they wouldn't disturb the new teacher, the three put their trunks up with his suitcase, along with Link's cucoo and Zelda's Meowth, both in either a cage or carrier. As they did, Zelda wondered out loud, "I wonder what he's going to be teaching."

"Well, that's obvious," Mario said, following her example in keeping his voice down. "There's only one job that's open every year, on the year, isn't there?"

"Ah, of course," Zelda nodded. "Protection from the Evils."

Link shrugged this off. "Well, that's all well and good," he said, "but what did you want to tell us that had to wait until we had our seats?"

"It wasn't the seats," Mario said, sliding the door shut. "It was the privacy."

"Okay, what's this big secret that no one else can hear?" Zelda asked.

Mario took a breath. "Last night, when I went down to the bar to find your potions, Link, I heard your parents talking about something."

Link looked downwards. "And suddenly, I'm not certain I want to hear this..."

Mario sighed. "No, not like that! They were talking about Roy whatever-the-heck-his-last-name-is-supposed-to-be."

"Oh," Link said.

"Look, can we just decide what his last name is, right here, in this chapter?" Zelda asked, looking slightly agitated. "That joke's getting old, quick."

"Link, what do you think?" Mario asked, looking over at the boy in green.

"Just a second," Link said, taking out his cell phone that he only has for this scene. He connected to the internet, went to , and looked up the chapter they were currently on. Finally, he said, "It looks like the sleeping guy will tell us what Roy's real last name is when he wakes up." With this, he turned his phone off and slid it into his pocket.

"All right, then," Zelda sighed. "Anyways, Mario, what were they saying about Roy?"

"Oh, right," Mario said, having gotten off track along with the other two. "It turns out, Roy broke out of Subspace for one reason- he wants to kill me for what happened with Tabuu."

After both Link and Zelda had winced at the name, Zelda was the first to respond. "Oh, Mario!" she said. "He's after you?"

"Honestly, I kind of half-suspected that," Link muttered. "I mean, it always seems to be you, doesn't it?"

Mario tilted his head slightly before returning it to its regular position. "You have a point."

"Aren't you scared?" Zelda asked, looking at him in surprise.

"Not really," Mario shrugged. "I mean, how bad can he really be, compared to Mewtwo or the Giga Koopa? Really, I'm more curious about something else Mr. Faron said..."

"What's that?" Link asked.

"He told me that he didn't want me to go looking for Roy."

Link and Zelda stared at him for a second. "He had to elaborate... that you shouldn't go looking for someone who wants to murder you," Link asked, deadpan.

"Yeah, I thought it was weird, too," Mario nodded. "I think there was something else, but the Great Fox was taking off, so I kind of had to run. Literally."

"I wonder what that was?" Zelda thought out loud, fingers on her chin.

"Meh, probably not important," Mario shrugged.

XXXX

Asleep as he was, the new teacher was useful in some situations that arose. Well, two. The first was a few hours after they'd taken off, just after Mario had bought some snacks from the lady who sold them. Zelda was quietly snacking on some sugar-free snacks of her own, while Link and Mario were in the middle of trading some cards (chocolate birds come with trading cards based on famous smashers.) It was as they were doing this that random music met their ears. Listening more closely, they realized it was 'Bad,' from West Side Story, accompanied by snapping that didn't seem to be part of the actual soundtrack.

They were just looking up for an answer to this when their door slid open, revealing their longtime rivals, Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario. Each had a pair of sunglasses on, and was snapping in time with the music coming from a boombox over Ganondorf's shoulder.

"Well, well, well, boys," Bowser said, lowering his sunglasses. "Lookee what we have here."

"Where did you get the sunglasses?" Zelda asked, looking up from the book she was in the middle of reading.

"They enhance our image," Bowser said, still snapping in time with the music. "Only the highest-class smashers wear these."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure those are for sale in any random drugstore," Mario pointed out. "And what's with the music? Is that to 'enhance your image,' too?"

"Of course," Bowser said. "What kind of gang doesn't have a big guy carrying a boombox?"

"That's the first time I've heard _that _cliche," Link muttered.

"And considering who's writing this, I'm pretty sure that if that was a cliche, we'd have seen it by now," Mario commented drily.

"And what is it with you, anyways?" Zelda asked. "You're like our stalker- can we go anywhere without you showing up?"

Turning red, Bowser snapped, "Don't be talkin' about things you don't understand, wollywog!"

Mario and Link jumped up in anger- wollywog being a highly offensive word for a smasher born to muggle parents- but Zelda just leaned back enough to reveal the fourth occupant of the compartment.

"What the- who's this punk?" Bowser asked, eyes falling on the sleeper.

Mario, catching on, said, "New Protection from the Evils teacher. His trunk's up there if you don't believe us." As he spoke, his eyes flicked upwards, demonstrating. "Now, what were you saying about Zelda?"

Bowser gave a small growling noise, but he wasn't enough of an idiot to pull his usual shenanigans with a teacher right there, asleep or otherwise. "Come on, homies," he growled, beckoning to his lackeys. They turned around and headed off down the hallway outside, snapping once more.

The other time that the sleeper turned out useful is much more noteworthy. It began a few hours after Bowser and company had stopped by. The sun was beginning to sink, casting an eerie twilight over them, even as high up as they were. Mario and Link were discussing Link's latest game on the 3DS, with the occasional comment from Zelda, when there was a loud cracking noise, a jolt, and everything in the compartment went dark.

"The heck?" Mario asked, looking around, surprised. "What's going on here? The engines can't have stopped, right? I mean, we'd be falling, wouldn't we?"

"Hard telling, the smasher world being what it is," Link shrugged. "Any input, Zelda?"

"I think the Great Fox has an emergency field that prevents it from falling in the event of the engines shutting down," came Zelda's voice- for it was too dark to tell, exactly. "It runs off a different power source, I believe."

There was a noise from the side, and the door slid open. They turned to see a girl and a boy making their way in. With their limited vision, they could recognize the girl as Peach and the boy as Luigi.

"So, you guys know what's going on here?" Luigi asked, taking off his hat. "I... I kind of freaked out... when the lights went out."

"And by that, he means he had a full panic attack," came Peach's voice, in the form of an impressive monotone. "I had to help him to get into this compartment."

Mario, looking closer, saw that Luigi did indeed seem a little twitchy, but he seemed to have gotten over it. "Well, he looks fine now."

"Mario!" came Peach's voice, sounding startled. "Y-you're in here?"

"And us," came Link and Zelda's voice.

"Awesome!" came Luigi's voice, still sounding a little shaky. "Mind if we sit in with you guys?"

"Not there!" said Zelda's voice. "There's a teacher in here with us!"

"A teacher?" Peach asked. "You mean, the new Protection from the Evils teacher?"

"That's what we figure," Mario put in. "No, not here either! I'm sitting here!"

"Yeouch!"

"Sorry, Luigi... shouldn't have put my sword there, I guess."

"Quiet!" came a new voice. It sounded a little husky. Everyone fell silent. After a second, the new voice spoke again. "Does anyone have the power to summon fire?"

Mario looked down... why hadn't he thought of that before. "Me," he said, together with Zelda.

"Good. Want to light up the room a bit?"

There was the sound of two people snapping their fingers at once, together with Zelda muttering, "Din's Fire." The next second, the room was illuminated by two handfuls of fire- as was the new voice.

It seemed their sleeping teacher had finally awoken. For a wild moment, Mario thought it was Wolf, but closer examination proved this wrong- while it was, no doubt, an anthro wearing a uniform and headset, this particular anthro seemed slightly smaller, and the fur was orange, not gray. The biggest clue, of course, was that this anthro wasn't looking at him with pure hatred in his eyes.

"Hello," he said. "Didn't realize I had visitors. I suppose I should introduce myself here. I'm Fox Mccloud, your new Protection from the Evils teacher. Now that we have that out of the way, I'd like to ask you all to remain calm. There's nothing to worry about. If you'd be good enough to make some room for me, I'll get up and head to the front of the ship and talk with the driver- he and I know each other. Just keep calm and stay here until I get back, okay?"

The others all nodded mutely.

"Good," Fox nodded, standing up. However, no sooner had he done this than the door slid open. Everyone spun around to see the new arrival. As soon as they did, Mario's blood went cold.

There was a creature standing in the threshold unlike anything he'd seen before. It stood tall, taller than anyone he'd ever seen before, but that wasn't the most terrifying thing about it- it didn't seem to have any noticeable features. It was as if the thing was made out of strips of darkness- or rather, it was as if it was a creature of darkness itself, wrapped up in strips that were also made of darkness. It seemed like the vague outline of a human being, but its limbs- the legs and arms- seemed more like tentacles, tapering off as they went further along, and not culminating in either hands or feet. There was no face. It floated before them, as if it was looking around. As the door opened, Mario felt a strange cold washing over him, drilling into him. He could barely see or hear anything else. He thought he heard Fox saying something, but his voice was drowned out by the sound of someone far away screaming. He leaned back, feeling darkness overtake him...

XXXX

And then, as suddenly as it had begun, he found himself waking up. He was leaning against the back of the seat he was sitting in. Looking around, he saw everyone who'd been there before with him. Link and Zelda looked fine, but shaken. Peach was curled up in her seat, a look of abject horror on her face, and Luigi looked as though he'd just finished being sick- in fact, Mario thought he could smell some of it, though he couldn't see it anywhere. Looking around, he also noted that the ship was moving again, and the compartment was brightly lit once more.

"What... what happened?"

Link and Zelda looked at him, surprised. "Oh, you're awake!"

"Please don't tell me I've been out for days."

"Oh- no, just a couple minutes, actually," Zelda said.

"You kind of passed out, there," Link explained. "Just after that... thing came in."

"What happened?"

"Well, just as you were passing out, Fox stood up and said, 'Leave, Floow, you don't belong on this flight.' The thing just kept floating there, tilted its head, but it didn't leave. So he- I mean, Fox- pulled out a blaster- his power controller, I'm guessing- and he raised it up- it was awesome, it was like he summoned a small tank! He pointed it at the... thing... and it was like, 'Screw this, I'm out of here,' and flew out." Having said all this, Link collapsed against his seat, gasping for air.

"Floow," came another voice. Everyone jumped and turned to see Fox sitting in his seat, breaking apart a bar of Hershey's chocolate. "That 'thing' was a floow. They're Subspace's guards. That one was here looking for Roy Alluvia."

"Aha!" said Link, jumping up.

"Yes?" Fox asked, turning to look at him.

"My phone was right! You _are _giving us Roy's real last name!"

"Your... phone?" Fox asked, blinking in confusion. "What about Roy's last name?"

"No one's been consistent with his name since this story started," Mario explained. "It's been all over the place- Eliwood, Piazzolla, you name it. Link looked it up on his phone, and it said you would be giving us his real last name this chapter."

"I see," Fox nodded. "Yep, that explains everything perfectly. Well, don't worry, his last name is definitely Alluvia." As he finished speaking, he held out a rectangle of the bar. "Here, take this."

Mario mutely accepted it, and watched as Fox handed out some chocolate to all the others. None of them ate them right away.

"Obviously, of course," Fox said, continuing like there hadn't been an interruption, "Roy isn't anywhere on this particular flight. Now, I really do need to go up and talk with the driver. Eat the chocolate," he repeated as he headed over to the door. "It'll help."

Mario leaned back as the door shut behind Fox. "So... did any of you... you know... pass out?"

"No," Zelda said. "Peach and Luigi were close to it, though- Fox took the time to vanish Luigi's sick."

"And... did anyone hear any screaming?"

"Screaming?" Link asked, looking confused. "No, no one screamed. What I want to know... did any of you feel it?"

Everyone turned to look at him, awaiting elaboration. "That feeling," Link explained. "It was like this cold in my chest... and a feeling like I was never really happy... and never would be... like everything good had gone from the world... in other words, the same feeling you get when you read the Harry Potter headscratchers page on tvtropes."

"It's been a while since we made _that _reference," Mario commented. "But yeah... I felt that."

"Same here," said Zelda, Peach, and Luigi.

Mario examined his chocolate rectangle for a second, then, shrugging, helped himself to it. Everyone else also took theirs. To Mario's surprise, he instantly felt much better, warmth overtaking a cold he hadn't realized had been affecting him until it went away. Looking at the others, he saw that it seemed to have a similar effect on them. Luigi smiled, Peach was able to sit up again, and Link and Zelda both looked pleasantly surprised.

Mario, however, had something else on his mind- why had he passed out? He silently moved over to the window, tuning out the others' conversation about what had happened, staring out at the clouds as they passed by. However, as his eyes rose up, he saw something else that dispelled this worry just as effectively as the chocolate had dispelled the cold- up ahead in the distance was the vague outline of what seemed like a small house from this distance, but which he knew, up close, was among the largest buildings he'd ever seen- a mansion so grand it dwarfed most castles.

The Smash Mansion was just up ahead.

XXXX

As they touched down, Mario, Link, and Zelda all hopped off the ship. They had arrived in the station in Kurain village. There was much less secrecy required here, as Kurain was, of course, a village made up entirely of smashers. As the three walked out, Mario heard a cry of "Noobies be comin' over here! All da first years follow me!"

Smiling, he looked over and saw a gigantic left hand dressed in a glove, floating over the crowd's head and carrying a gigantic lantern. However, seeing him made Mario realize something. "So... Zelda... what do we do?"

"What?" Zelda asked. "What do you mean? We head over to the carriages, same as last year."

"Link and I weren't here last year," Mario pointed out.

"What? Why weren't you- oh, yeah..." Zelda smacked her forehead as she recalled. "I forgot..."

"Lucky you," Link muttered.

"We head over to a group of carriages, and they take us up to the mansion through the front doors."

As she spoke, she began to lead them towards said carriages. The three of them jumped in one that seemed empty, and they began making their way up to the mansion. Mario, seeing that nothing was pulling them, assumed that invisible horses or something were involved. After all the time he'd spent in the world of the smashers, it wouldn't surprise him.

As Mario looked up ahead, he saw that more floows were standing in front of the gates of the mansion grounds. "Ah... what are they doing here?" he asked, trying not to let his voice falter.

Link and Zelda turned to see them, and turned green. "Ah..." Link muttered. "Those things."

Mario quietly recoiled into his seat, refusing to look out of the windows as they passed by. He didn't know if it was a placebo effect or what, but he didn't feel nearly as bad as he had on the flight, though he still felt a chill.

Eventually, Zelda said, "Alright, we're here," and the three of them disembarked, heading up to the mansion itself. Mario smiled as he looked up at the gigantic building. No place like home...

As they entered, they were only able to make it a few steps in before they heard a shout. "Mario! Hyrule!" They spun around to see another teacher, Samus Aran, making her way across the hall. She taught Transformation during her normal classes, but she was also the head of Nintendo, and thus taught everyone in her group in their homeroom, where they learned about their individual special powers. Mario couldn't think, for the life of him, what he could possibly have done this time, but experience had taught him that when Samus was stalking across the hall towards him, it was rarely because she was happy with him.

"Yes, Ms. Aran?" he said quickly.

"Oh, don't look so nervous, you're not in trouble," she said. With a small smile that looked surprisingly mischievous, she added, "For once." Returning to her normal demeanor, she said, "No, I just need to have a word with you two. If you'd follow me- not you, Faron," she added, turning on Link. "They'll be right back."

Mario gave Link a little wave as Samus led Zelda and him away, up the main staircase, and up a few more stairs to her office. As they entered, Mario saw another woman in the corner- Nurse Tessie. Understanding, he sighed.

"Now, Mario, Fox contacted us from the Great Fox, and according to him, you passed out on the way here," Samus explained.

"What did he do this time?" Nurse Tessie asked, jumping up and heading over. "He's setting a new record already."

"It wasn't his fault this time," Samus said. "The floows decided to inspect the ship."

Nurse Tessie made a disapproving noise in the back of her throat. "Ah, that explains it. Floows. I don't care for those things. I don't think there's anyone who does."

"I'm fine," Mario muttered.

"You're fine when I say you're fine," Nurse Tessie said, inspecting his eyes and ears. "Okay, you're fine. Though I would still recommend some chocolate."

"Oh, I've already had some," Mario said quickly. "Fox gave us all some Hershey's after the floow left."

Nurse Tessie straightened up, smiling. "Well, he knows what he's doing. Maybe the Master Hand isn't completely insane after all."

"Well, that's good," Samus said, standing. "Mario, if you'd wait in the hall, there's something I need to talk to Zelda about in private. After that, we'll head back down to the feast."

Mario nodded and mutely headed out. Nurse Tessie headed down the stairs, making her own way to the feast.

After a few moments, Samus and Zelda reappeared, and the three of them began heading downstairs. Mario couldn't help but notice that Zelda seemed happy about something, and seemed to fiddling with something around her neck a little more than usual. Shrugging it off, figuring it was nothing important, he simply followed Samus down, back into the entrance hall, and, eventually, into the dining hall.

Inside, Samus headed up to the staff table, while Mario and Zelda headed around to the Nintendo table. "Oh, no!" Zelda said, looking up the hall. "We missed the Sorting!"

Looking up, Mario also saw the stool and strange backpack/water pump hybrid that was the Sorting F.L.U.D.D. being taken away. Every year, new students sat on that stool and strapped the FLUDD to their back, and it would announce the group they were most suited to.

Finally, the three found their way to Link, who had already gotten started on the feast.

"Anything good tonight?" Mario asked as he and Zelda sat down next to him.

"It's all good," Link said, taking a small break from tearing into it to comment. Mario, sighing, began helping himself to some of his favorites as well.

A little later, the desserts appeared in place of the main course, and a while after that, the desserts disappeared as well. As the desserts vanished, Mario allowed his eyes to wander up the hall, eventually focusing on the staff table. His eyes passed over all the teachers, eventually arriving at the immense floating right hand in the center of it all. This hand was almost exactly like the Crazy Hand, except it was right, and much more sane-looking. However, Mario knew that this hand was just as kind as the left one, and, looking up, he felt really calm for the first time since the floow had appeared.

Everyone turned to look at the Master Hand as he floated up from his seat and headed over to a podium that he used to address the hall. "Welcome!" he announced dramatically. "Welcome, one and all, to another year at the Smash Mansion!"

"Is it just me, or does he seem... different?" Mario asked, leaning over to Link.

"Nope, I don't see anything."

"No, he really seems different... I don't know, maybe he has more energy?"

"I really don't see what you're talking about."

"I don't know, I feel like he's suddenly been opened up to a lot of unreasonable hate..."*

"Mario, will you quit babbling, I'm trying to listen to him!"

Up at the head of the hall, the Master Hand continued speaking. "I have a couple start-of-year notices to give out! First off, I have two new members of staff to announce! Firstly, we have Fox Mccloud, who has generously agreed to take on the post of our new Protection from the Evils teacher!"

There was some mild, largely unenthusiastic applause as Fox stood, looking around the hall. Mario's eyes fell on Wolf. He was actually... shocked. He knew that Wolf didn't really like anyone to begin with, and he would obviously have particular animosity towards anyone who took the Protection from the Evils position that he personally desired, but... there was something different in Wolf's eyes when he looked at Fox. It went beyond jealousy... it seemed more... personal.

The Master Hand didn't notice this, however. As Fox sat down, he continued. "As for the other post, as many of you will know, our old Smashing Creatures teacher, Professor Oak, retired last year, in order to spend more time with Blue, his child." This turned a few heads who knew Blue off the top of their head. "To replace him, we now have none other than our own Wildlife Manager, Crazy M. Hand!"

There was a wild cheering here, particularly from the Nintendoes, but scattered across all the groups, as Crazy rose up. Mario, Link, and Zelda looked at each other, joy in their eyes. They all knew how much Crazy loved the Smash Bros., and just how much this would mean to the old hand.

As the applause died down, the Master Hand said, "Well, I am afraid that my remaining news is much less enjoyable. You see, this year, our school will be the host of an emissary of floows from Subspace Prison. They have been placed here at the discretion of the Government of Smashing, in order to protect us all from the evil that is the escaped Roy Alluvia. However, I am afraid that floows are not the kind of guards that distinguish at all between their prey, and those that get in their way. If you give them the slightest reason to harm you, they will do so, and I implore all of you not to give them that reason." Mario couldn't help but notice a slight tone of bitterness in his voice, and suspected that the Master Hand didn't like the floows much more than Samus did. His voice brightening, the Master Hand continued. "But, you know... I believe that happiness can be found, even in the darkest times... just as long as you remember to turn on the light."

XXXX

It was later on that Mario, Zelda, and Link found themselves heading upstairs, along with a platoon of Nintendoes, with Rob at the head of them. As the prefect- well, head boy now- it was his duty to lead the first years up to the Nintendo hub and give the other students the new password. After a journey consisting of several hidden doors and moving staircases, they finally approached a tall painting of a tall woman in a pink dress, a wand in one hand, a small crown, and long blond hair that covered one eye.

"Password?" she asked, looking out of the painting at them. Her name was Rosalina, and her job was to guard the Nintendo hub, opening only for students with the password.

"Gusty Gardens!" Rob said, loudly and clearly.

"I'm not deaf, you know," Rosalina said, her eye half-closed, as she swung open for the group of Nintendoes.

They all filed in. "Hey, want to play some chess, Mario?" Link asked, heading over to a chair by the fire.

"No... sorry, I'm really tired," Mario said quickly, heading up the staircase. As he went up, he vaguely heard Link challenge Zelda, but he didn't have the time to hear her response before he had found himself in his old dorm.

He sighed, relief flooding him. He looked around at the five familiar beds- one each for him, Link, Luigi, and their roommates, Ness Adler and Diddy Kong. His emotions had been on something of a thrill ride tonight since the floow appeared, but as he looked around the familiar room, he felt he could finally rest in peace- no, not like that.

_XXXX_

* I feel like Sir Michael Gambon gets a lot of undeserved hate. I mean, yeah, no one was ever going to top Richard Harris, but to hear some people talk, you'd think Gambon plotted Harris's death. I think he did a pretty good job! (Ocelot gesture.) Or maybe that's just the part of me that doesn't like to hear people hate talking.

Okay, I'm putting this up a day later than I was planning (or two days, since I guess most people will be reading this on Sunday, due to how late it is right now,) but hey! At least it was just a one-day (or two-day) delay this time, instead of... you know... five months. Ah. Anyways, yes, let it be known that Roy's official surname is now Alluvia! Interesting story, I was originally going to have it as Alluvia, but then it occurred to me that he might have a canon surname, so when I looked it up, I saw that his father's name was Eliwood. I mistook this for the family name and put it in the chapter that introduced the character. However, a review kindly alerted me that Eliwood was his father's _first _name, not surname (yet another fine example of constructive criticism helping out!) leading me to have an egg on my face, so to speak. So, I changed it back to Alluvia, but also decided to make fun of my own fickleness along the way. Hopefully that didn't annoy anyone too much. Anyways, this is dragging out a little long, so... please R&R, constructive criticism fully welcome, flames are not (it's just too hot around here) Gamer4 out.


	6. The One-Faced Psychic

Gamer4 in. Okay, I'll admit it, I owe you guys an apology. I was originally intending to update last week, but I was getting _really _close to the end of my other story, so I wound up kind of neglecting this one in favor of finishing that one. And then, my computer wouldn't work. Then my cat got sick, and needed to go to the vet. But, I'm back now, and, since the other story is finished, now I can focus more on this one! Let's dive in, shall we?

Disclaimer: I own the right to make references to my previous stories in the chapter titles.

Chapter VI

The One-Faced Psychic

The surest sign, Mario would later decide, that things were returning to normal (or as normal as things could be at the Smash Mansion) was the welcome he got passing by the Sierra table in the Dining Hall the following day. A large, anthro turtle turned and began excitedly pointing in his direction, and then began imitating a fit of fainting. A large group of the Sierras around him broke down laughing.

"Gee, wonder what's on their mind?" Mario wondered out loud, scratching the back of his head.

"Oh, forget them, they're just jealous," Zelda muttered, as they turned their back on them and headed towards the Nintendo table. "I mean, how many of us actually get to leave this story in favor of making cameos in others?"*

"I guess so," Mario shrugged. "It wasn't all that enthralling, to tell you the truth. Just this random orange woman walked up to me, handed me a movie, and told me to watch it. I do, then she starts asking me questions about it."

"How _was_ the movie?" Link asked, looking over.

"Eh, pretty good," Mario shrugged again. "Not terrible, nothing to write home about, either."

As they spoke, they approached Kirby and Meta Knight, who were already at the Nintendo tables. "Hey, guys!" Kirby said cheerfully. "We've got some schedule for you!"

"'Some schedule'?" Link asked.

"Yep!" Meta said, pulling out a few pieces of paper from who-knows-where. "Samus stopped by to give us our schedules, thought she'd give us yours while she was at it! Welcome, my friends, to your third year!"

"Thanks," Mario, Link, and Zelda said in unison as they accepted their schedules.

"Something up, there, Mario?" Kirby asked, noticing that he seemed a little off-put by something.

"Bowser," Mario muttered dismissively, throwing a hand over his shoulder at the turtle as he spoke. Bowser was doing yet another fainting impression.

"Little squit," Meta said, narrowing his eyes. "Little punk wasn't nearly as confident when the floow was coming down our floor, was he?"

"Nope," Kirby agreed, shaking his head- which basically amounted to shaking his whole body. "Just about had a repeat of the shoehorn incident, didn't we?"

Mario choked as he remembered what the twins were talking about. "_That _bad?" he asked, snorting.

"That bad," the Faron twins agreed, nodding in unison.

"Of course, I wasn't particularly over the moon about it, either," Meta put in. "Floows- you never want to mess with those things. Remember that time Dad drew Subspace inspection duty, Kirb?"

"Oh, yeah," Kirby nodded. "Came back all shivering and weak- took a few doses of Mom's pumpkin soup to fix him up."

"But none of you have ever passed out, have you?" Mario pointed out.

"Oh, cool your jets, Mario," Meta said, leaning back as he buttered some toast. "I doubt you're the first. Those things are demons out of the darkest pits of the Underwhere. Now this toast," he added, "comes directly from the Overthere. Why don't you have some?"

"Yeah," Kirby put in, agreeing. "I mean, we need our seeker to be ready for the Smash-Up tournament this year! Forget Bowser, just focus on how badly you'll whip him on the Smash-Up field."

Strangely enough, Mario did find this though comforting. He grabbed a couple slices of toast and began preparing them for consumption.

"So, watcha guys got for your first day?" Kirby asked, appealing to Link and Zelda as Mario ate.

"Well, we're starting up on our new subjects already," Zelda commented. "Psychic Powers... Smashing Creatures... Robot Engineering..."

Mario and Link both did a spit take as the image of Zelda in a Robot Engineering class crossed their mind. "Robot Engineering?" Link said, turning to her and grabbing her schedule. "What kind of schedule do you have, here?"

"Well, I signed up for everything, remember?" Zelda pointed out. "Give me back my schedule!"

"What the-" Link gasped as he looked at the schedule itself. "Oh, come on- Mario, look at this!" he pushed it under Mario's nose, and Mario did another spit take as he examined the schedule.

"Great," he muttered, "Now I need to get some more milk..."

Putting this aside for the moment, both he and Link turned on Zelda. "What the heck is this?" Link asked, pointing at the schedule. "You _do _realize that, according to this, you have to take three classes at once... three times today? The heck are you thinking?"

"Relax," Zelda mutters, grabbing the schedule back from him. "I've got it all worked out, Samus and I had a talk before the feast!"

"Zelda, I figured you'd have a packed schedule this year, but this..." Mario started, but he was interrupted by a sudden voice behind them.

"Schedule? Y'all be talkin' 'bout schedules? Mez gotsa schedie dis year, guys!"

They turned to see a familiar looking twitchy left hand in a glove floating there.

"Hey, Crazy!" Mario said, eagerly jumping to his feet. "It's been a while. Congratulations on getting the spot!"

"Me knows!" Crazy said, sounding overjoyed. "Ta Matter Hand lose two teachers from da last year, yous know. Oak be retirin', n' dat udder guy... what his name be? Twitchy... Tinkle... sometin' like dat. Anyways, Brudda be tinkin', what we do? Well, Foxies come in at a good time, but Oak still no get replacement, so Brudda decide, he know who ta call! He come on down to my house, he da next contestant on Teh Price ish Right! He offers me da job, I say, I be right on it!"

"So, you're all ready, then?" Zelda asked, looking up.

"Oh, me be ready? Me _more _dan ready! Me be sharp, me on it! Iz been up since dawn, gettin' da critters ready to showz ya!"

"We're looking forward to it," Mario smiled. "We've got you... just after lunch, it looks like."

"Rockin!" Crazy said, doing a little loop-the-loop. "Me be so happy! Seez you den!" With that, he rushed out of the door.

"I think he's happy," Link noted.

"I wonder what he's got planned..." Zelda said, sounding nervous.

"Oh, come on, he wouldn't intentionally give us a creature that could really hurt us, would he?" Mario said.

For a while, they all remained silent. They all knew how dumb what Mario had just said was. No, of course not, Crazy wouldn't intentionally bring in a creature that could seriously hurt them- _intentionally _being the key word. Crazy didn't exactly have a normal view of what was or wasn't dangerous- heck, the fact that he'd assigned a book that spat dark magic whenever it was opened was proof enough of that.

"Well... it's looking like it's time to head off to our first class..." Zelda noted.

Mario and Link simply nodded, largely because they didn't know what else to do at this point, and the three stood and began making their way out of the Dining Hall.

On the outside, Mario wondered out loud, "So, anyone actually know where..." he quickly checked his schedule- "Psychic Powers class is?"

"I think it's in the attic," Zelda said. "Come on..."

The three began climbing the stairs. And they climbed. And they climbed. And they climbed.

XXXX

And so it came to be that... they were still climbing. And climbing. And climbing. And climbing. And then they went through a hallway or two. And then down some stairs, because that was the only way forward. And then they climbed. And then they climbed. A couple more hallways... and then more climbing.

XXXX

And climbing... and climbing... and I'm going to keep doing this until you can't hear the word 'climbing' without wanting to tear out your own hair... and climbing... and climbing...

XXXX

And so it came to be that Link finally brought everyone to a stop. "Okay," he said, panting, "that's three transitions, now. I think it's safe to say we're lost."

"We're not lost!" Zelda said, sounding slightly offended.

"Oh, okay, then where are we?" Link challenged.

"We're... on a landing... somewhere in the Mansion..."

Mario ignored them, slumping against the wall. His kingdom for some sort of map that could actually show them around this place. Slowly, his eyes rose up, and fell on a strange sight that made him do a double take. And then a triple take. And then, just because, a quadruple take.

He'd been absently gazing at a picture on the wall. As you may have already guessed, the pictures in the Smash Mansion- and really, in the smasher world in general- weren't normal. The occupants could move around, and even leave their paintings to visit others, if they so desired. In the picture he'd been gazing at, a figure had come into view, leaning against what looked like a palm tree. This figure looked startlingly familiar... blond hair, green tunic, floppy green hat... but he was so... cartoony...

"Link, look at this."

"-and furthermore, as you can clearly see," Link continued his argument with Zelda, ignoring Mario as he tapped on a file he'd pulled out of nowhere, "Lake Delfino is visible out of that window, meaning we've actually been going in the _opposite _direction of the entrance to the attic! TAKE THAT!"

As the words formed in a stamp that nearly blew Zelda away, Mario stood, saying, "Link, over here."

"What is it?" Link asked, turning around. Suddenly, he reeled back as though he'd been punched in the stomach. "What... the heck... is this?"

Suddenly, the figure in the portrait snapped to attention. Previously, it had been asleep with its hat pulled down over its face, but as Link caught on to it, it suddenly sprung up, reaching up to its shoulder for a sword- though with the hat still attached to its face. "Who goes there?!" the figure asked, jumping around. "Ah, I see, making everything dark on me, huh? Well, sorry to ruin the party, but I've got a lantern! Hah!" Abandoning the sword, the figure reached into what seemed to be hammerspace and pulled out a lantern, whereupon he began swinging it around like a madman. After a moment, he gasped. "Oh, no! The lantern is useless! ABANDON SHIP!" Here, the figure leapt forward in a spectacular dive, whereupon he slammed into the frame of the painting and fell backwards. The hat came off his face and came to rest on his chest.

"So... who's you twos's new friend?" Zelda asked, approaching. Looking at the figure in the painting, she gasped.

"Who the heck painted a cartoon picture of me?" Link asked, staring at the figure. And, sure enough, with the hat off the face, it was undeniable- the figure in the painting was near identical to Link, except he looked like he'd jumped out of a Saturday-morning cartoon.

"Hey, um... Toon," Mario said, referencing the toon-figure. "Um... do you have a name?"

"Blasphemy!" the toon figure shouted, jumping up, taking out his sword, and beginning to swing it around. "The great Toon Link does not dispense his name to rogues like you!"

"But... you kind of just did..." Mario pointed out.

"...You must be punished for your trickery!" Toon Link cried, brandishing his sword even more wildly.

"Who the heck painted you?" Link asked.

Toon Link jumped as his eyes fell on his real-life counterpart. "Oh no! It's the original! Must be cautious... I... I was painted by a young woman... she was saying something about... the 'incident of shoehorn...'"

Link closed his eyes in exasperation. "Ah. Now I see. Did Mario get a picture painted, too?"

"As a matter of fact, he did!" Toon Link said cheerily. "But Dr. Mario's over by the medical department..."

Zelda moved forward. "So... do you know this place well?"

Toon Link jumped again, his eyes suddenly turning into hearts. "Whoah! You're like Tetra- only prettier!"

Zelda blushed. "Who's Tet- oh, never mind, do you know this place well?"

Toon Link took off his hat and bowed dramatically. "For you, milady, I'd navigate the darkest labyrinths! You need only speak the location to me, and I will take you there, no matter the horrors we must undertake together!"

"Um... yeah..." Zelda said, rubbing the back of her head. "So... what are the chances of going to the attic for Psychic Powers class?"

"Absolute!" Toon Link cheered, jumping up in the air. "A horde of wild moblins couldn't deter me! Follow close behind!"

And with that, their new guide rushed off the edge of his painting, streaking into another painting nearby. Quickly, the three students rushed off after him, which would have led to another segment of nothing but 'and climbing's, but Toon Link was so entertaining on the way up that we don't feel the need.

"Come, brave comrades!" Toon Link cheered as he rushed ahead of them. "To learn the sacred arts of Psychic Powers, you must first brave the depths of various fiery mountains, and plunge into the dankest tombs to restore the sparkle to your weapons! We must discover the pearls of Power, Wisdom, and Courage! Why, I'm so excited, I could sing!"

And before anyone could stop him, he broke out into song, as well as a weird little dance. "We be pirates who love to sail the seven seas! Just a bunch of scallywags who are as free as free can be! We swim through storms and waves all because, you see: grand treasure and adventure's waiting just for me!"

"What... the heck... was that?" Link asked, panting as he and the others struggled to keep up.

"You like it? Tetra taught it to me! One more time! We be pirates-"

As if in objection, there was a sudden screech, and a gigantic bird covered in thick bluish-grey feathers and wearing a helmet swooped down and attempted to pick him up. "Oh, no you don't!" Toon Link cried, ducking to the side and pulling out a grappling hook. He used the grappling hook to grab onto the bird's incredibly long tail and proceeded to climb up the rope. "Get up on the Helmaroc King's back!" he cheered as he succeeded in that very task. "Now, onwards! Mush! Mush!"

From there on, the paintings that the toon rushed through tended to duck and scream as he came tearing through them on top of a large, angry-looking bird. "He's crazy!" several of them cried.

"Of course I am!" Toon Link cried, his eyes most certainly showing it. "What the heck did I ever do to make any of you think I was sane?!"

Finally, they rounded a last corner to see what seemed to be the rest of their class waiting beneath a trapdoor. Toon Link cheered as they arrived. "Success! Triumph! Other things that mean we won! I have to go tell Tetra about this! We be pirates who love to sail the seven seas!" And with that, the deranged toon headed back off down the hall of paintings, still singing and doing his weird dance on top of the bird.

"Hey, Link, what was-" asked Ness, one of the boys in their class, as the entire class watched the cartoon flying away.

"Don't ask," Link grumbled. "Seriously, don't."

Ness raised his hands in surrender.

"Huh," Mario said. "Should have known you'd be taking this class, Ness." Ness's special power, after all, _was _Psi, a form of psychic energy.

"Yep," Ness nodded. "I've even been studying up already. I mean, anyone else messes up in there, they just weren't ready, but if a Psi-user messes up in a Psychic Powers class, it's just sad."

"So, anyone know how we're supposed to get up there?" Zelda asked, looking up at the trapdoor above them.

Abruptly, the door opened and a ladder lowered down for them. "Apparently, you ask how you're supposed to go up," Link shrugged, as the class began their climb.

Mario stared as they reached the top. This was a strange classroom- and coming from a student at the Smash Mansion, that was saying something. It really did look like an attic, just with a scattering of desks. Only one of the 'chairs' was actually a chair- the rest were all beanbags sitting around these desks. The actual chair seemed to belong to the teacher, so Mario, Link, and Zelda took their place around a large, round table and waited.

Finally, everyone seemed to hear a voice at the same time. _Good afternoon, class_, it said. Everyone spun around to face the front, where a strange creature was lurking. It looked somewhat like a dog... except anthropomorphic... purple and darker purple... spikes came out of the back of its hands... and some sort of purple aura surrounded the hands. His eyes lit up as he looked around. _Welcome,_ it seemed to say, _to your first Psychic Powers class. I am Lucario, your teacher. As you may have guessed by now, I am a Pokemon. I can speak to you only through my thoughts, so forgive my brief invasion of your minds. It is my duty to, within these walls, guide you all on a journey that will take you into the very depths of your own imaginations. You may discover things about yourselves in this class that you never knew. You may contact your Id, Ego, and Superegos, all at once. Though, if you do speak with your Id, be aware that Ids are often very violent fellows. I was obliged, at the start of this year, to assign you books to assist with your education here- something I admit that I find strange, as books are very little help when dealing with something as complex as a mind. Though people may try to box it up and categorize it, the mind will always eschew such things. So, while we may use your books, do not place too much faith in them._

Everyone stared at this very long speech- not least because it was given without the speech-giver ever moving his mouth. _Now_... said the voice in their minds, _Today, we are going to begin with the study of how the various beings of the world affect the world around them. By touching the world around you, you leave proof of your encounter there, and to those who know how to read the signs, they may divine more about you from that proof. For example, when you have drunk from a glass, signs of your past, present, and future are left behind, ready for those sufficiently powerful to read you. Thus... when in Rome, let them drink milk!_

Everyone stared. Lucario narrowed his eyes at them. _That isn't a joke. I would like you all to go to that cupboard over there_- as he spoke, he blinked, and the cupboard he'd been indicating opened- _and fill it with milk from my fridge._ Another blink, and a fridge at the back of the class opened. _Work with a partner. You must each fill your glass with pure, cold, cow's milk, and leave proof of your existence upon the glass by drinking from it until only a little remains- that little bit that sits at the bottom of the glass and taunts you because you know you'll never be able to actually drink it. Once you've done that, give it to your partner and use page 16 of Dunban Uzuki's text to see what your partner's milk says about them. I will be standing by, ready to assist you. Proceed._

Mario, Link, and Zelda looked awkwardly at each other. "Well, after that speech, I kind of want to work with Mario," Link admitted.

"Yeah... I'll work with... hey, Ness, want to work together?" Zelda asked, standing.

Ness nodded, with a quick, "Okay," and the four of them rose, headed over to get their glasses, then to the back of the room to fill them up. Finally, when they returned to their own seats, they began to drink.

"I always did love nice, cold milk," Mario said, leaning back and chugging his. Link still stood, putting a hand on his hip and practically throwing his milk back into his throat. Mario stared. "Why'd you drink it like that?"

"Oh, I always drink it like that," Link shrugged. "Anyways, let's get going."

The two of them handed their cups to each other. Mario decided to make the first move. "Okay, what am I looking at, here? Um... I see some sort of wolf here... nah, that can't be right. I don't know what you'd have to do with wolves... but I'll look you up anyways... apparently, according to this, you're going to be turned into a wolf, go through a bunch of dungeons, be tortured by a random imp with the creepiest smile I've ever seen, and have to hunt down a bunch of little bugs made out of light- and you're going to enjoy every second of it. I... I'll be up front with you, I don't know what I'm looking at here..."

"I don't know, it sounds familiar to me," Link shrugged. "Anyways, let's see what you've got... apparently, you're going to be eaten by Bowser, then you're going to go on this big adventure where you two unite against a star that gives off dark light, and he's going to be the hero, and you're just kind of a supporting character."

"Okay, this milk is just messing with us, now," Mario muttered as Link, no longer able to hold his straight face, broke down laughing. "Let me see... no, that looks like a wolf, too... um... Lucario?"

Lucario happened to be passing by, and he stopped as he heard. _Yes, my boy? _

"I think our milk is spoiled or something. Can you take a look?"

Lucario shrugged and bent down over Mario's cup. Suddenly, he gave a yelp- not in his mind, in real life- and jumped back. Everyone spun around. "What's going on?" asked Saria Kokiri, another girl in Nintendo.

_No!_ Lucario said, making motions as if to keep the cup away from himself. _No, don't ask me to say it! No, no, no, no! No one would want to-_

"Please, Mr. Lucario?" asked Ilia, another Nintendo girl, kneeling down next to their teacher. "What did you see?"

Lucario, trembling, rose to his feet- well, kind of, he floated. _My boy... you have the mark of... the Blue-Eyed Beast!_

Reactions to this declaration were varied. Some people (read: Link, Saria, and Ilia) panicked, looks of horror on their faces, but others (read: Ness, Zelda, and Mario himself) just seemed confused.

"Um..." said Duster Osohe, a Hal who was sharing the same class as them, "Anyone want to tell me what the heck a 'Blue-Eyed Beast' is?"

Suddenly, a loud noise filled the room. Looking at the subtitles, Mario was able to deduce that it was the sound of a high-powered motor. Everyone spun around to see a random African man with a heavy black beard, moustache, and wearing a sailor's uniform being elevated above the ground. "Yaar, the legend of the Blue-Eyed Beast echoes down through even pirate lore!" he announced. "It's one of the most horrifying omens known to the world! It's an omen... of death! But you didn't hear that from me! Yaar, har har har..." And with that, the high-powered motor started up again and took the random sailor back down into the ground. For a moment, everyone stared at the spot where he disappeared.

"...Who was that guy?" Zelda asked. But no one else seemed to take notice.

"Oh, Mario!" said Saria, leaping forward. "I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!"

"My friend, we hardly knew ye," said Duster, shaking his head and putting a hand on his shoulder. "If it makes you feel better, I won't forget that you saved my life last year."

"Meh," Ness said, picking up Mario's glass, "Doesn't really look like any sort of beast to me. Looks more like a turtle, really- and we all know about the Giga Koopa, so maybe that's all this milk is talking about."

"Seriously, is no one concerned about the random sailor that just popped out of the ground?" Zelda asked, sounding exasperated.

Mario raised his hand. "Anyone just want to change the topic here? I really would."

Finally, they managed to get everyone away from him and back to their seats. For the most part, everyone worked in silence until the bell to go to the next class rang.

As it happened, the next class was Transformation, taught with Samus. Everyone packed up and silently headed down the stairs. Mario couldn't help but notice that some people seemed to be trying to avoid him.

Finally, they arrived in Samus's classroom. People were extremely unfocused, which was unfortunate, because it was a pretty interesting lesson. It was about sliders- smashers who, in addition to their usual powers, had the ability to 'slide' into animal forms- the particular form that they could take being determined by their personality. Hardly anyone seemed to be paying attention as Samus stepped forward, shifting into a strange creature with the head and claws of a bird, but the body of a human. When she shifted back, she looked surprised that no one had noticed. "You know, I knew you were distracted," she commented, "but that's the first time in thirteen years that no one's asked me why I turn into a chozo when it was a cat in the first chapter of the first story!"

Everyone jumped. Samus tilted her head. "So, is there something bothering all of you?"

Slowly, Ilia raised her hand. "Um... Ms. Aran, the thing is... we all just got out of Lucario's class, and-"

"Ah, enough said," Samus said, raising her hand. "Alright, who's dying this year?"

Everyone looked surprised, but they all generally pointed to Mario. "I see," Samus said, her hand raising to her face in her famous nose-bridge-pinching maneuver. "Well, Mario, before you get too worried, I should tell you that Lucario's been working here for twelve years. He took a year off a couple years back, and Mewtwo filled the post while he was gone, but aside from that, he's been here for thirteen years straight. And each year, he always picks a student and decides that their fate is to die a horrible, grisly death. Not one of them has died yet, and some of them have even gone on into successful careers."

Mario slowly started to smile. Yeah... he knew he was being silly. In a way, it wasn't unlike reading a creepypasta in the dark- it's scary at the time, but once you get away from the dark room you were reading it in, and really think it over, you start to realize how silly it was to be scared.

Samus smiled, as if she knew what he was thinking. "That said, I hope you won't think I'm unfair for not letting you off of homework. Though, if you die, I won't be going to you to pick it up. I just can't let you take up my time like that."

Mario found himself able to relax at this, and Zelda seemed satisfied, too. Ness, who hadn't really seen the beast to begin with, shrugged. Link, Ilia, and Saria, however, still seemed none too confident.

XXXX

"So, Mario, have you been seeing a big beast with blue eyes around lately?" Link asked Mario urgently, once they were out and heading to their next class- Smashing Creatures.

"Well, once," Mario shrugged. "That night I left Peach Creek, just before the Tonzura Brothers picked me up, I saw something like that."

Link nearly had a seizure at this news. "Oh... oh, crud..." he said. "Not good... not good at all..."

"Relax, Link," Zelda said, pushing past them. "It's not like there's any such thing as a 'Blue-Eyed Beast' to begin with. You heard Samus, it's just Lucario pulling things out of his-"

"This isn't a laughing matter!" said Link, his eyes darting nervously from side to side. "I had an uncle who saw that sign, and he died just a couple days later!"

"Coincidence," Zelda said, waving her hand to the side.

"Not! Laughing! Matter!" Link repeated, pulling on his hat in frustration. "This is serious! Most smashers get the living daylights scared out of them by this thing!"

"Morons," Zelda says simply. "Not everyone sees what they think is an omen and decides to just lay down and die."

"Well, I appreciate the implications about the death of my _favorite uncle,_" Link mutters, daggers almost flying out of his eyes, "but don't you think that you're just angry because you won't be able to rely on books like you usually do?"

Zelda jumped up, flames bursting from her eyes. "Don't insult the books!" she cried, dramatically brandishing a finger. "That class was a load of bubkiss, especially when I compare it to my Robot Engineering class!"

With this, she rushed ahead. Link frowned at her back. "What's she talking about?" he wondered out loud. "It's physically impossible for her to have been to a Robot Engineering class..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that they all arrived down at Crazy's at relatively separate times. Mario's mood wasn't improved when he saw the shell, dark armor, and yellow clothing that indicated this class was with Sierra. Bowser glanced over at them and eagerly began his fainting routine again. Ganondorf and Wario still chuckled like they'd never seen it before.

They only even began to slow down when Crazy came out of his house. "Oh, yous all be here!" he said happily, floating there. He was dressed in his usual white glove. "Superspecialmegachocolatesaucecoatedawesome! And here be comin' da rest of da class!"

Everyone looked behind them to see the last few people coming down the hill to Crazy's. Crazy himself took a look around, seemingly taking attendance. "Soz, we all bein' here? Good! Everyone be followin' me, a'ight? We gotsa great treat for yous today! Follows!"

Mario felt a slight jolt as he realized where Crazy was leading them- into the Lost woods. Looking around, he saw that Link, Zelda, Bowser, and Luigi, all in the same class, didn't look particularly eager about going in there. "Um... Crazy?" he asked, raising his voice. "Should we really be going in there?"

"Oh, you be relxin!" Crazy said. "We not be goin in all da way! Just little! We not even be leavin' da maze!"

"Maze? What maze?" someone in the crowd asked out loud.

"Oh, mes gotta splain! Da outer edge da Lost Woods be kinda maze! Crud hit fan, you run into maze, keep runnin til you take da wrong tunnel, you ends up back out heresies! Nuttin' bad! Alrights, let's be goin'!"

Bracing himself, Mario followed. The Lost Woods, it seemed, hadn't changed all that much. Crazy led them through a tangle of tunnels formed by twisted tree branches up above. Mario was familiar with this place by now, but he noticed that Crazy seemed to be leading them on an alternate path to the one they usually followed. Eventually, they came out in a larger clearing than normal. Crazy turned to the class.

"Alrights, here we be! Outs wit da books!"

"How?" came Bowser's voice.

"Wat u mean, how?" Crazy asked, turning to the turtle. "Youz gotta know how a book open, right?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant was, how do we open them without dark magic coming out to tear our faces off?" Bowser said, clarifying in the most condescending tone he knew how.

"Well, yous gotta stroke da spine, of course! All bad books be not bad when you run finger down da spine! Howyou not know this... I be goin' to get da smashing creatures!"

With that, the insane Hand shot off into the woods. Everyone watched as Bowser took out his book and ran an experimental claw down the spine. He opened it up- and no dark magic came out. "Oh, well, excuse me for not knowing how to do that..." the turtle grumbled as everyone else followed suit. "Man, this place is really turning into a dog house. That moron at the head of a class? I tell you, homies, this place oughta be condemned."

"Oh, can it, Bowser," Mario said, moving forward. "Do you have anything good to say about anything? Ever? I mean, what are you, the headscratchers page for Harry Potter on tvtropes?"

"Hey!" Bowser said, holding out a finger. "That... was really below the belt. I mean, even I don't need to be compared to... that place."

"He's got a point, you know," Zelda agreed, moving forward. "I mean, I hate to agree with Bowser, but come on, he's not _nearly _that bad."

Mario shrugged. They were probably right.

Before anyone could say anything else, Crazy came floating back into the clearing, holding a rope of some kind. "Wingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwing-" he was chanting. Finally, he came out into the clearing, calling out, "Dadadada!"

Everyone turned to look at the creature that he'd brought in. It was a large bird with crimson feathers on top, white on the bottom, stripes of blue and yellow along its wings, and piercing golden eyes. "Classies!" Crazy said, motioning at the bird, "Lets me introduce youz to- Epona- da- Loftwing! She b-e-a-utiful, in't she?"

Mario tilted his head. Crazy had a point. This large bird was certainly the nicest thing that he'd ever seen Crazy affiliated with- gigantic two-bodied mechs and giant scorpion/spiders came to mind. A few of the class members behind them had their jaws on the ground. Ness was smiling. "Well, I doubted him, but now I think I gotta take it back!" Luigi nodded wordlessly next to him. As for Epona herself, she tilted her head as she gazed around at them all, observing them through her golden eyes, but not doing much besides blinking.

"Now, me gotsta tell you how you come up to a Loftwing!" Crazy said, still sounding cheerful. "Firsties, you gotsta know someting! Loftwings be proud! Me mean, really proud. Youz not insult Loftwings- dey get even if you do. Me say dat again- nice and slowly- me even go sane to say it- do... not... insult... Loftwings. Let's all say it togetha!"

Everyone in the class joined in except- Mario noticed- Bowser and his gang, who were back to reproducing the floow incident. "Never... insult... a... Loftwing."

"Goods!" Crazy said, nodding. "Nows, Iz gotta few release forms here, saying dat you no insult Loftwings! If youz sign dat now..."

Everyone quickly took out a pen to put their names down on these release forms, including Bowser and the crew, who just threw their names down without actually reading said forms.

"Goods! Now, who wantsta go first?"

Maybe it was the effect of the release forms, but no one seemed particularly keen on actually going forward and making contact with the Loftwing- at least, everyone except Mario stepped back a couple paces.

Crazy turned to look at his class, and saw Mario standing a bit ahead of everyone else. Sounding like he was tearing up, he said, "Ah, Marios, me knew Iz could count on you. Come on up!"

Mario looked behind him in shock, and then, grumbling a bit, made to move forward. Epona turned her eyes on him, tilting her head to the side as if to examine him closer.

"Nows, me explain whats you gotta do. First, you gotta just come closer... not too close! First ting you gotsta keep in mind- besides NOT INSULTING DA LOFTWING, just say dat again- first ting you gotsta keep in mind, is, don't break eye contact. Keep lookin' in da eyes. Don' t blink, not even blink! Loftwings fast, faster dan you can believe! You no turn back, no look away, and no blink. Good luck."

Mario's eyes started watering. "Not... blinking?" he muttered. "Have you ever tried... not blinking?"

"Not really- I be just a hand. Alrights, once you close enough, you bow, n' see if she take it. If she take it, you gets closer- if not... well... gets away."

Mario nervously bowed, doing what he could to bend his spine while still keeping his eyes on Epona. Then he rose back up. Epona tilted her head again, examining him closely. But she didn't bow.

"Ah... yeah, da ting 'bout dat is..." Crazy said, sounding nervous.

But he needn't have been. The next thing Epona did was to bend her head forward and spread out her wings in what was, unmistakably, a return bow.

"Ah... good job, Marios!" Crazy said, sounding happy. "Nows, you getsta ride her!"

"Wait, what?" Mario asked, turning. He didn't get very far before Crazy had picked him up and placed him directly on the bird's back.

"Hold on tight, but don't be taken off no feathas for nuttin'! She like her feathas!"

Mario quickly looked around for a mount before grabbing onto Epona's neck as the great bird took flight.

Now, what happened next depends on if you're reading the book or watching the movie. For the book-readers, Mario found this a massively uncomfortable ride, but that's not as fun, so let's go with the movie version.

Mario slowly left his fear behind as the bird swooped up and down and around. It slowly occurred to him that he'd done this before- this was no more dangerous than riding his kart in the more dangerous Smash-Up stadiums! Glancing up at the picture to the story, he suddenly noticed they were taking off over Lake Delfino. Looking down, he could see the water... and looking up, he could see the coins depicted in the story's picture. Cheering, he stood up on Epona's back and held out his arms. The coins slammed into him, but rather than knocking him off Epona's back, they randomly disappeared and reappeared- as he could tell from the shift in weight- in his pockets. He didn't know who'd left coins floating out over the lake, but he wasn't going to question it.

Finally, Epona made her return, swooping down into the clearing in the Lost Woods. Mario jumped off as they landed. The entire class was cheering, and Crazy was pumping himself in the air. "Youz be doin' it, buddy! Youz be doin' it! Great job, Marios! Great jobs, Epona!" As Mario drew closer, his voice grew both quieter and more anxious. "Hows me be doin' for day 1?"

"Great... Mr. Hand," Mario said, smiling.

Crazy made a strange motion that Mario had come to recognize as the Hands' version of shrugging.

This wonderful moment was swiftly ruined, as all great moments seemed to be, by Bowser. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" he growled, stepping forward and heading for Epona. "This must be easy if the plumber can do it! You're not dangerous at all, are you, you pathetic excuse for a mule?"

"Bowser, nos!" Crazy cried, but it was too late: Epona, fury in her eyes, brought herself into the air, leaving herself free to swipe at Bowser with her talons. Bowser held up a scaly arm to defend himself, but it still left a scratch there. He reeled backwards, landing on the ground, moaning.

Crazy rushed forwards, getting between Bowser and Epona. "Nos- nos- Epona!" he said firmly, pushing the large bird back. Eventually, he was able to calm her down, and, that done, turn on Bowser. "Whats me be sayin' bout insultin' Loftwings?"

"Oh, I'm dying!" Bowser was moaning, grabbing onto his wound. "That bird's killed me!"

"It's... it just be a scratch..." Crazy said, looking near panicked nonetheless.

"Crazy!" Zelda interjected. "He should be taken to Nurse Tessie."

"R-rights. Iz be da teacher, I do it. Everyone heads out of da Woods- early end of da lesson... gotsta get him to da Nurse..."

Mario, Link, and Zelda stared blankly after the rest of the class as they headed off into the maze.

XXXX

The next time the three of them saw Bowser again was that night in the Dining Hall as everyone was eating. Bowser was over at the Sierra table, his arm covered in bandages and a sling. "Does it hurt, Bowser?" asked Maria, one of the Sierra girls.

"Not as much as it did," Bowser said gruffly. "According to Nurse Tessie, it's lucky I got back when I did. I was just a minute or two from losing my arm."

"That prick..." Link muttered as he, Mario, and Zelda passed by. "Do you really think it was that serious?"

"Heck no," Mario said. "A little scratch like that, with Nurse Tessie? No way."

"Not that that'll matter to Ghirahim," Zelda pointed out. "You know what he's like. Trust me, we haven't heard the end of this."

Suddenly, a new voice rang out through the hall at the Nintendo table- it was Diddy Kong, the monkey member of Nintendo. "He's been seen! They've seen him!"

"Who's been seen?" Mario asked, rushing towards him.

"It's Roy Alluvia!" Diddy said, pulling out his copy of the _Fourside Tribune_, the local newspaper. "He's been sighted!"

"Where?" asked Ness, coming over and bending over the paper.

"Viridian City..." Zelda read out. "That's... that's not far from where we are!"

Link looked unnerved, but he tried to deny it. "Ah, come on, we're safe! I mean, we've even got those floows patrolling around the mansion..."

"Floows," scoffed Diddy. "What do the floows mean to Roy? He's already gotten past them once, hasn't he?"

Suddenly, the hall was filled with the sound of grinding gears, and everyone turned to see the African sailor from earlier rising up on that same platform. "Yaar, you all be right!" he said in his stereotypical sailor accent. "Trying to catch Roy Alluvia be like trying to catch smoke- and have any of you tried catching smoke with your bare hands? Yar har har har!"

Mario turned to stare at the person. "Seriously, who are you? Do you just sit in the background, waiting for someone to make an ominous statement of some sort?"

"That be my little secret!" the sailor said, and he began laughing again as the platform sunk down and disappeared altogether.

"No, really, who _is _that guy?" Zelda wondered out loud.

_XXXX_

*That story that I was finishing while I was away? One of the chapters featured this particular version of Mario in a cameo. Nothing else to say about that.

I think this is an easy victory for the longest chapter I've ever written. Seriously, it comes to 18 pages on my writing program, when these chapters usually come to about 10. Hopefully the extra content makes up for the 1-week hiatus- though I at least had an excuse this time. Alright, see you guys next time, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions entirely welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	7. The Fox, the Tane-Tane, and the Wardrobe

Gamer4 in. Coming at you not exactly live with the next chapter of _Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace! _

Disclaimer: I already have a legitimate one I'll have to type next update, let's not bother with one here.

Chapter VII

The Fox, the Tane-Tane, and the Wardrobe

The upshot of this was that Mario got a couple Bowser-free days before the turtle made his comeback. This comeback came, conveniently or otherwise, during a power-ups class- first of the year. So Mario was having a rough time anyways, trying to figure out the ingredients of a lightning bolt (no, seriously, have you ever tried _making _a freaking _lightning bolt? _Let alone one whose intended purpose is to _protect _you from lightning? The world of smashers truly is wondrous...) with Link and Zelda working alongside him when Bowser came into the dungeon, limping dramatically. Mario couldn't really see the point of limping- wasn't it supposed to be an arm injury?- but Bowser apparently felt it was necessary. He made his way over to a desk roughly between Ganondorf and Wario's and Mario, Link, and Zelda's. This didn't make sense at the time, but all became clear eventually.

"Oh, Bowser, you're back!" came Maria's shriek- she was sitting with Ganondorf and Wario in lieu of Bowser himself. "Does it still hurt?"

"Not anymore... I can take it..." Bowser 'choked out,' putting on the stereotypical show of 'working through the pain.' He was even still wearing the sling and cast. Mario sighed- there was no conceivable way that scratch still existed after three days with Nurse Tessie.

"Quiet," Wolf muttered calmly. Mario felt a stirring of anger in his stomach- if anyone besides Bowser had dared to walk into his class late, it would have meant a few weeks of detention. However, he was so used to it by now that it didn't really escalate beyond a stirring.

Bowser reached into his bag, careful to keep it one-clawed, and pulled out his ingredients. Having done this, he looked up to the front of the room and called out, "Mr. O'Donnell, I need a bit of help with my ingredients... I hate to ask, but... my arm..."

Not even looking up from the books he was poring over, Wolf muttered, "Faron, Mario, help Bowser with his ingredients. Any sabotage," he added as an afterthought, "will result in you handing your own ingredients over to him."

Mario and Link both furiously accepted the ingredients a grinning Bowser slid over to them. "There's nothing wrong with your arm, Bowser," Mario growled. "Even if I thought so before, that crud-eating grin of yours is enough to prove it."

"What, scared of cursin', homy?" Bowser taunted. "Scared to boost the story's rating?"

"We're supposed to keep it K+ unless we do another story, you know that," Mario snarled back. "If you're so eager to get it to T, why not do it yourself?"

"I could," Bowser said, leaning back with a finer and thumb to his chin, "but I don't think I will. I don't boost stories' ratings, I have people who do that for me."

"I'd imagine," Link retorted. "Seems like you've got people who breath for you, too."

Hearing this, Bowser grimaced and shooed off the random servant who'd been pumping air into his lungs for the past few seconds. "I don't know what you're talking about, dog," he growled. "Just shut up and chop my ingredients up, will you?"

Link grudgingly did so, and Mario followed suit. Bowser leaned over and muttered, "So, just... you know, out of curiosity, how's that moron of a hand been doing?"

"Bowser," Mario muttered, "unless you want to go through the shoehorn incident all over again, shut up and just let us deal with these stupid ingredients."

It was no use- Bowser was on such a role that even bringing up the shoehorn incident didn't stop him. "Yeah, my old man's pretty hacked about the whole situation. Appealing to the school board as he speak."

"Funny, I thought he was kicked off the school board after they realized he was blackmailing them all," Link muttered spitefully. Bowser grimaced again, but still didn't stop.

"_Any_ways," he roughly continued, "he's looking into dishing out sweet, sweet justice to both that hand and his dang turkey."

"Bowser," Mario interrupted, "if this Universe had any form of justice, your father would have sent you to school at Ouran High School, negating you possibly being in this story on the grounds that you aren't from a video game." As he continued mumbling, a sudden thought occurred to him. "Wait a second... is _that _why you're doing all this? Trying to get Crazy fired?"

"Well, that's certainly the main benefit," Bowser commented, "but getting you two so angry you start coming up with stupid lines like that helps."

"Settle down," Wolf repeated, standing and preparing to start up his usual rounds. Bowser ended off their conversation with a grin and returned to his power-up. When they'd finished, Mario and Link reluctantly handed over the completed ingredients before turning to focus on their own. For a blessed few moments, everything was silent, until Wolf happened upon Luigi and his power-up, which was undoubtably...

"A Mistake," Wolf commented. That isn't just a generic way of saying it, either- Luigi had quite literally somehow managed to convert his power-up into an actual power-up called a Mistake- it healed only the smallest of injuries- and we're just talking paper cuts, here- and restored the very smallest amount of stamina. So, if you just used up a bit of stamina walking to get a snack from the fridge before getting a paper cut from reading a book, a Mistake will fix you right up. Anything more strenuous than that... sorry, buddy, you're on your own.

Wolf sighed. "What must I do, Luigi, to get anything through that thick skull of yours? What must I do to get my information to penetrate? _Why did you put in a shroom shake? _Didn't I explicitly say that _no _healing power-ups are involved? Just how much hardened amber did you add? Didn't I say that you only needed one unit's worth?"

Luigi looked down, muttering to his kneecaps.

Wolf faceclawed. "I don't _care,_ Luigi. But, you know what I think? I think you need a proper incentive. Did you bring that accursed Saturn to class today?"

Luigi looked up uncertainly, then earnestly shook his head from side to side. Unfortunately, said Saturn chose that moment to appear over his shoulder, saying, "WhAt Go On WiTh ThAt ScArY gUy, BoInG bOiNg?"

Wolf grimaced, then reached out and snatched Mr. Saturn the Saturn off of Luigi's shoulder. "At the end of this class, we will test your power-up on this wretched creature. I hope, for your sake, you don't mess it up, because afterwards, I'm going to throw a lightning bolt at it, and if your power-up didn't immunize it, its heart will most likely stop."

Luigi turned white. Zelda called out, "But, you can't do that, experimenting on students' pets is forbidden!"

"Nothing is forbidden to the teachers," Wolf snarled.

"Students' handbook, page 346, paragraph 2: A student's pet will never be put at risk in the name of the learning experience," Zelda recited.

"Zelda Hyrule, shut your mouth! This does not concern you, this concerns me and Luigi!"

Zelda recoiled. Wolf turned to the class at large and announced, "Continue work as normal. When this class is complete, we will run our little test."

Mario growled to himself. As soon as Wolf's back was turned, Zelda jumped over to Luigi's desk and began helping him to fix up his power-up. Bowser turned, and seemed ready to spill the beans, but Mario made a timely intervention by muttering, "So, Bowser, tell us- how the heck do you and Wolf get away with stuff like this?"

"Stuff like what?" Bowser asked, turning around. "Dishing out sweet, sweet justice?"

"Don't make me give you the justice spiel again..." Mario muttered. "No, I was talking about putting everyone under your heel. I mean, even some of the fans take your side- completely ignore your bad sides and angelize you-"

"Hey, what can I say?" Bowser shrugged. "In the world of fanfiction, the characters with the leather pants are kings- and homies, you should see me in a crown."* Apparently growing bored of the conversation, he turned and began to call to Wolf again.

Mario, rapidly thinking on his feet, spat out the next thing that popped into his mind: "So, did you hear about how Roy is apparently in Viridian City? People are starting to think he's making his way up here..."

Bowser spun around again, interest lighting up in his eyes. "Well, well, well... I was wondering if you'd be taking an interest in old Roy, homy."

"What... what do you mean?" Mario asked, lightly thrown off.

Bowser laughed. "I mean, you can't stop yourself from meddling in everything anyways, and when it's something as personal as Roy Alluvia... well, I'm just surprised you haven't gone off to fight him personally already."

"Why would I?" Mario asked blankly. After all, he knew Roy had broken out to get to him, but why would _he _have a beef with Roy?

"Oh, right, I forgot," Bowser said, leaning back. "You don't like to do anything unless you're sure the Master Hand's there to cover your butt. But if it were me- well, then things would be different. I'd be out there right now, hunting that guy down. I wouldn't rest until I had his head on a silver platter..."

"Oh, don't pretend like you'd hunt him yourself," Link snarled- he was in a bad mood already, and wasn't really in the mood for putting up with more from Bowser. "You'd just sic one of your servants on him, no matter what he'd done to you..."

"But would I?" Bowser retorted mysteriously.

Mario dropped the tools he was currently holding. "Bowser, either explain what the heck you're talking about, or take those leather pants of yours and shove them up your-"

"Time's up!" Wolf interrupted. "Everybody put their tools down! We are going to test Luigi's power-up!"

Mario threw a nervous glance across the room- under Zelda's instruction, the power-up had at least come to resemble a lightning bolt- the question was, would it work? Zelda quietly moved back to her own seat, and everyone stared up, waiting on tenterhooks for this final verdict.

"WhAt GoInG oN nOw, Lu?" the Saturn asked as he was produced and placed on the table at the front of the room. "SoMeThInG sPeCiAl?"

"It's going to be alright, Mr. Saturn!" Luigi called, tears rolling down his face. "It's going to be alright!"

"Oh, GoOdIe, ZoOm ZoOm!" the Saturn said as Wolf handed it the power-up. "Oh, YoU gIvE tHiNgS aT mE, dInG dInG? I eAt RiGhT aWaY!" And with that, he jumped forward and ate the power-up whole. His whole body started crackling with electricity. "Oh, Mr. SaTuRn FeEl TiNgLy, BoInG!"

Wolf snarled, and brought around some sort of machine that Mario was fairly certain hadn't been there before. He flicked a switch, and a lightning bolt fired from the machine, striking Mr. Saturn dead on. Mr. Saturn jumped, then let out a strange noise that sounded like laughter. "HeH, hEh, ThAt TiCkLe! Do AgAiN!"

Wolf looked even angrier than usual as he snatched up Mr. Saturn and brought him around to drop on Luigi's desk. "Mario, twenty points from Nintendo for making Hyrule so arrogant as to assume she can go against my direct orders not to help Luigi!"

"Actually, you never issued any such orders..." Mario pointed out.

"Another twenty points from Nintendo for talking back!" Wolf raged. "Everyone dismissed!"

Mario and Link glared daggers at Wolf as they packed up and headed out of the room, Luigi at their side, looking torn between joy at getting his Saturn back and sorrow that he'd cost them those points.

"I can't believe that scuzzball," Link muttered, stomping ahead of them. "Luigi gets it right, and Wolf takes points away because he didn't get to kill his pet..."

"I don't really think of him as my pet..." Luigi muttered, Mr. Saturn sitting on top of his head.

"I know," Link muttered, "but still. You know, Zelda, why didn't you try to lie? Say you didn't help him?"

No answer. Mario and Link both stopped and turned, looking around for their friend. "...Zelda?" Link asked. "Wasn't she just right behind us?"

"I thought she was," Mario shrugged.

"What are you two waiting for?" Zelda asked, and they spun around to see her at the top of the staircase, arms crossed and tapping her foot. "I'm waiting!"

"Wh- wa- wh- huh?" Link asked, his arms waving around as he looked between the door to the Power-Ups class and where Zelda was currently standing. "How did- when- you didn't pass us! Mario, did she pass us?"

"If she did, I didn't notice it," Mario said, looking just as bewildered.

"I... uh..." Mario could have sworn he heard Zelda say, "Well, crud," before she said, "I passed you when you were talking to Lu! Yeah, that's it... so hurry up! We have Protection from the Evils next!" Here, she turned and ran off.

Mario and Link turned to stare at each other. "Is it just me, or is Zelda a bit strange... er?" Link asked, adding the last part when Mario threw him a raised eyebrow.

XXXX

And so it came to be that the first Protection from the Evils class headed by Fox McCloud commenced. He wasn't there when everyone entered the room. Thankfully, Mario thought, this particular Protection from the Evils teacher wasn't an author who'd written seven or eight books about himself (all bubkiss, on top of that) and then assigned them all as required reading for his students. They had this particular class with Hal, meaning that Lucas and Duster were sitting nearby. Everyone took their seats, chatting with each other, not stopping until the door to Fox's office opened and the anthro himself came out, coming down the stairs. Mario noticed that Fox didn't seem to be in the best of condition. Thinking back, he realized he'd looked even worse off back on the Great Fox- the uniform was still torn and tattered, and he still looked like he'd aged rapidly in a very short timespan, but now, he at least looked like he'd been eating semi-healthily.

"Good afternoon, class," the anthro said. Everyone gave a vague response. "Welcome to Protection from the Evils. You can keep your books and papers in your bags- I believe in learning on the job. If you would, take your power controllers and follow me- you can leave your things in here, I'll lock the room."

Everyone threw glances at each other- this lesson was already promising to be at least fairly interesting. Slowly, everyone stood. Mario reached up and touched his hat, while Link fingered his sword for a second before dropping his hand to his side. They then glanced at Zelda, who was rubbing the gloves on her arms.

"Wait, your gloves are your power controller?" Mario asked.

"Yep," Zelda nodded. "Hard to believe it's taken until the third story for Gamer4 to finally mention that, huh?"

Mario grumbled something, and the three of them followed the rest of the class out of the room. Fox led them down a few hallways before they found themselves being cut off by a strange being.

A brief word of explanation- while regular ghosts existed in the world of the smashers, there was a certain other, more infamous breed of ghost- the Boos. Most likely, you've heard of the Boos without even realizing it. Let's put it this way- you ever heard a ghost story? Any story of possession, haunting, cursed houses or video tapes... yeah, basically, if you've ever seen a horror movie, or heard a ghost story around the campfire, you've witnessed Boos at work, or at least heard about them. Boos are a highly wicked race of ghosts, characterized, in their base form, by a white sphere with small arms, a tail, with red eyes and a red mouth complete with fangs. However, they delight in scaring the living daylights out of humans- muggles and smashers alike. Most had individual names, but thankfully, there was only one at the Smash Mansion, so the students and staff alike simply called him 'The Boo.' Also thankfully, he was slightly more benevolent than most Boos are- he never killed, and usually stuck to more petty mischief than anything that was genuinely threatening- but that didn't mean the residents of the Mansion had to like him.

The Boo bounced around the hallway for a bit before his eyes landed on Fox. Instantly, his evil little eyes lit up. "Ohoho!" he said, grinning. "What have we here? If it isn't the crazy old Fox! Didn't think even the Smash Bros. would touch _you _with a 39 ½ foot pole!"

Everyone stared. The Boo was, of course, rude and jerkish by nature (though, as the old Smash Bros. saying went: Better to be locked in a room with the Boo than to read through the Harry Potter headscratchers page on tvtropes,) but he usually at least showed respect to the teachers. The class turned to look at Fox: was he going to take that?

To their surprise, Fox remained calm. Heck, he was even smiling. "Hello, Boo. I didn't expect the Smash Bros. to be able to get rid of you, whether they wanted to or not. You really are persistent, aren't you?"

"Truly so," the Boo said, sweeping into a bowing motion. "But, Mr. Teacher, sir, I had a question, and I think you're the one who can answer!" Suddenly, a boombox appeared next to the Boo and started pumping out a song. Everyone gasped as they realized what the Boo was planning. Mario put his hand over his face. _He wouldn't, would he?_

"Dog goes woof, cat goes meow, bird goes tweet, and mouse goes squeak..."

_He would. _

Everyone stared as the Boo approached the chorus: "But there's one sound, nobody knows-"

"And what would that be?" Fox asked.

"What does the Fox say?" the Boo cried, and burst into the dance.

"Well, I'll tell you what the Fox says," Fox said, nodding. He reached into his pocket, and when he withdrew it, there was a handful of coins in it. "Storm..." he started, tossing the coins into the air, "Waltz!" Within a second, he had his gun out and was firing up into the cloud of coins. As the beam from his blaster hit the coins, it reflected off of them, seeming to multiply with each coin it hit, until there seemed to be thousands of beams reflecting all around the Boo- though not one of them hit him. Finally, the coins hit the ground, where they mysteriously vanished.**

Fox smiled up at the Boo. "I didn't have to miss, you know. Mind if I try again?"

The Boo smiled in very nervous way. "No... no... not necessary, Mr. McCloud, sir... see you around..." And with that, he took off through the nearest wall.

Everyone stared in awe and newfound respect at their new teacher. Fox, on the other hand, shrugged it off like it was nothing. "Come along," he said, waving his hand for them to follow. They continued on until they entered a room that was empty except for a wardrobe at the end... and Wolf.

"Ah, Wolf, long time, no see," Fox said, his smile becoming somewhat more forced.

"Fox," the other anthro nodded curtly. Slowly, the Wolf stood and began making his way out of the room.

"Sure you don't want to stay and watch?" Fox asked.

"Watch a practical Protection from the Evils class with Luigi in it? No, we're lucky if that imbecile doesn't burn the whole mansion down. I pass."

"Well, I certainly hope he doesn't," Fox said, raising his eyebrows. "I was hoping he'd help me with the demonstration today."

Wolf sneered, but said nothing more as he turned and left the room.

Fox turned to the rest of the class and beckoned a couple stragglers in. When everyone was present and accounted for, he turned and crossed the room to the wardrobe. As he did, it began rattling, causing more than one person to jump. "Relax, everyone, don't panic, it's just a Tane-Tane."

This only caused a sizable portion of the class to become _more _nervous, and even a few of the people who hadn't been nervous before now were. "I suppose I can assume a few of you know what Tane-Tanes are," Fox nodded. Turning to Zelda, whose hand instantly flew up at these words, he said, "Alright, Ms. Hyrule, what do you have?"

"A Tane-Tane is a shape-shifter that specializes in scanning the minds of its victims and taking a form that represents their basic phobias- in other words, what they fear," Zelda rattled off. "No one knows what they look like when they're alone, because the mind-scanning and shape-shifting takes place so quickly that it appears instantaneous."

"Well done," Fox nods. "Ten points to Nintendo. Tane-Tanes do indeed feed off fear in their victims, hence their habit. Naturally, they tend towards places that are dark and foreboding. If a Boo isn't the perpetrator of a horror story, it's generally a Tane-Tane. Also hence why splitting up is an even worse idea than you ever thought before- want to tell me why... Mario?"

Mario jumped as his name was called. "Me?" he asked, blinking. Fox nodded. Mario racked through his brains. "Well... if you have more people, the Tane-Tane will get confused about the exact shape it should take?"

"Exactly," Fox said, his eyes lighting up- was Mario imagining it, or were those eyes lighting up with... pride? "So, of course, we already have a great advantage going into this. The more company you have when fighting a Tane-Tane, the better. I once knew a fun couple- the man had a fear of deep water, the woman had a fear of cows. They met a Tane-Tane, it tried to scare them both at once, and turned into a manatee. Needless to say, they dispatched it with relative ease."

"Today, we'll send one person up to fight it at a time, and have everyone stand by in case things get out of hand. Now, about how you fight Tane-Tanes- basically, a Tane-Tane is the essence of horror. You must fight back with a force even more powerful- the power of humor. Your job, when fighting a Tane-Tane, is to face your fear and attempt to remake the Tane-Tane into something you find funny. To do this, you focus on a way to make whatever you fear humorous, and follow up... with a bad one-liner."

"What?" said the class collectively.

"It's true!" Fox said earnestly. "Nothing ruins a scary situation more than a bad one-liner followed by the horror itself being radically defanged. The worse your one-liner is, the more effective your counter to the Tane-Tane will be. Once the horror has been defanged, turned into something you find amusing, it's time to move in for the kill- what really finishes Tane-Tanes is laughter.

"Now, Luigi, if you'd come up here, please?"

Luigi looked horrified at being the first to be called. Nevertheless, he stepped up. "Now, Luigi, what would you say you fear the most?"

Luigi mumbled something to his kneecaps.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"... Mr. O'Donnell."

There was a small wave of laughter that went through the room. Even Fox gave a good-natured chuckle. "Ah, Wolf, hm? Yeah... frightens everyone. Now, you live with your Grandmother, right?"

"Yeah, but... well, I don't really want the Tane-Tane to turn into her either..."

"Don't worry- it won't," Fox said. "Now, here's what I want you to do-" Here, he moved closer and whispered a few quick phrases into Luigi's ear. Standing back, he said, "Can you do that?"

Luigi gave a weak nod. Smiling, Fox backed up. He approached the wardrobe. "Alright, we will begin in a few minutes. Take this time to think what the Tane-Tane will turn into when it sees you, and begin planning your worst one-liners- we need to make the readers groan!"

Mario cast his eyes around. Link was gripping his sword as hard as he could. He was muttering... "Random movie reference... random movie reference..." Somewhat entertaining, but he had to think of his own Tane-Tane and one-liner.

Well, the first and most obvious thing that came to mind was Tabuu- Tabuu as he'd be if he was ever restored to full power. But then a thought crossed his mind... a hulking figure that seemed to be made out of strips of darkness...

Before he could focus, he heard Fox at the head of the room. "Everyone ready?" Mario was ready to deny it- how the heck did one go about making a _floow _not scary?- but everyone else seemed to be ready, so Fox gave a nod and pulled the door of the wardrobe open.

Luigi was standing at the front, and everyone watched as a claw came out of the darkness of the wardrobe. It was followed by the arm and body of Wolf O'Donnell. For a moment, Luigi stood there, petrified, as Wolf advanced on him. Suddenly, Mr. Saturn appeared over his shoulder and began chattering away. "WhAt ThE bUzZ, wHaT hApPeNiNg, ZoOm?"

Wolf's eyes flicked onto the Saturn, and began bearing down on it. This seemed to spark something in Luigi: he put up his hands and stuttered, "C...come on... Wolf... you're... all dressed up... with nowhere to go...?" It was more of a question than a one-liner, but it seemed to do the trick- Wolf suddenly stumbled backwards, and everyone suddenly broke into laughter at the eighty-year old dress he was suddenly wearing.

"There you go, Lu!" Fox cheered from the sidelines. He was bringing out a boombox, and began playing music that sounded suspiciously like the song from the chase scene in _The Emperor's New Groove_. "Next! Saria!"

Luigi, smiling slightly, moved back into the crowd, high-fiving Saria Kokiri as she passed by to take the helm. Wolf looked at her, and a second later, there were screams as he disappeared to be replaced by a hulking skeleton with a hostile light in its eye sockets- a stalfos.

Saria seemed nervous, but she didn't stutter as she said, "Stay together, don't fall apart on me, now!" The stalfos staggered, then fell apart into a heap of bones. A groan from the class later, and she'd traded off with Duster.

Duster advanced on the stalfos, which swiftly became a large, purple snake that began slithering towards the young man, who quickly called out, "Sorry for bothering you, you seem all tied up!" The snake suddenly found itself in a knot, and hissing angrily as it began trying to undo itself.

Duster slid over and handed the torch over to Link. Link stepped out and approached the snake, which quickly became a large spider with spindly legs and the pattern of a skull on its back: a skulltula. Link stuttered and stammered, before finally choking out, "Ready to get hammered?"

The next thing anyone knew, the skulltula had been smacked across the room by a giant hand carrying a hammer. It hit the far wall, where it slowly skidded down... right in front of Maya Fey. As she stepped forward, it suddenly turned into an evil-looking samurai character, complete with a belt with a skull for a buckle. "The Evil Magistrate!" she gasped. But then, she smiled. "I always thought you were a really cheesy villain."

A gigantic fountain of melted cheese appeared above the samurai's head, and he was soaked in the stuff. He hopped up and down on the spot, trying to rub it out of his eyes, as Lucas stepped up to the plate, pulling out his power controller- a stick. The samurai quickly turned into a menacing figure... dressed in a pig outfit. Lucas waved his stick around. "Stop clowning around!" he called, prompting it to turn into a large jack-in-the-box clown that, as far as Mario was concerned, was more disturbing than anything they'd seen yet. Shrugging, seeing that nobody else was stepping up, he decided to take a few steps forward.

However, before the Tane-Tane could see him and change again, Fox looked up. A look of panic crossed his face, and he jumped in front of Mario, leading the Tane-Tane to become, not a floow, but a strange sort of glowing orb, hovering over them. Fox called out, "You're beginning to bug me!" The Tane-Tane fell to the ground, now in the form of a praying mantis. "Alright, Luigi, finish it off!" Fox cried, ducking to the side.

Luigi, noticing nothing strange, stepped forward, and Wolf was back. Looking more enraged than ever, he reached for his blaster, but not before Luigi called out, "Mind if I sock it to ya?!" A giant sock suddenly fell around Wolf, binding him and causing him to hop about with rage. Luigi broke down in laughter at the sight, and the Tane-Tane disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Fox approached the boombox and turned it off. "Alright... alright, well done everyone... way to go... ten points to everyone who fought the Tane-Tane, and ten points each to Zelda and Mario for answering my questions at the beginning..."

As he spoke, Fox regained his composure. Smiling, he said, "As for homework, head to the library and check out a book on Tane-Tanes from the library- I'm sure Ruto, the librarian, will help you- and give a basic summation on how to handle them. Due next lesson. Dismissed."

And so it came to be that everyone was chattering excitedly as they left. Mario found himself unable to join them- he felt somewhat off-put by not being allowed to fight the Tane-Tane. A horrible thought occurred- could it be that, after seeing his performance against the floow on the Great Fox, Fox didn't think he could handle it?

Well, at least no one else seemed to be thinking along those lines. They were too enraptured by the lesson they'd just had to notice anything strange. Even Link seemed excited.

"Who knew one-liners could be so useful? All I'm wondering... why the heck is Fox apparently afraid of crystal balls?"

"Mysterious indeed," Zelda said, her hand at her chin. "I wish I could have had a shot..."

"Oh, what, and have Samus say you got one question wrong on the last test?"

_XXXX_

_* _I very much subscribe to the part of the internet that agrees the ultimate test of toughness is, "I've waited for the next season of my favorite show to air. It was Sherlock."

** No offense meant to anyone, I actually really like that song. Also, Fox's move here is from Xenosaga.

Okay, now I have to explain. This is an obscure enough reference that I feel the need to elaborate: In Mother 3, the party wipes out on Tane-Tane Island, where a certain event occurs that causes them to hallucinate that they're being attacked by their worst fears. There's no creature explicitly _called _a Tane-Tane, but that's where the name comes from.

Hope you enjoy the chapter- next update might not be _quite _what you were expecting, but it'll still be enjoyable- please R&R, constructive criticism always welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	8. Random Quicky: Where's the Guardian?

Gamer4 in. Coming at you with a new concept I haven't tried before. A brief word of explanation before we begin: this is actually a concept that I had in mind as early as _Hylian Stone_, but for reasons that even I can't comprehend, I never thought to actually implement it until now. Basically, this idea amounts to: when I'm having trouble doing normal chapters, or when I feel it would be appropriate to the story to do so, or sometimes just because, I'd throw in a chapter much shorter than normal, with a loose connection to the main story (if a connection exists at all) and is mostly just to have a few laughs. Just a quick little mid-story oneshot. I'd consider this one sort of a test run to see how well you guys like the idea- let me know in reviews if you'd like this kind of thing to continue! Of course, it'd never override the main story- it's just for fun. Alright, let's get to it.

Disclaimer: I'd like to thank Markiplier and Lixian, two Youtubers who are both to thank for the animated shorts this little quicky is based on.

Random Quicky

Where's the Guardian?

Outside of the Smash Mansion, a panting, red-haired figure stood, looking up at the building he'd been working towards for so long. "Ah... it's about time I got here..." he said to himself, feeling triumph. He'd long since learned to live with the fact that he was randomly talking to himself. "Now, to break in and-" he was cut off as a random wave of cold broke over him, and he ducked behind a nearby tree. Looking out, he saw a hulking floow floating by. "What the- _floows? _They actually put floows around a _school?_"

Sighing, he put his hand to his head and brushed his hair in an exasperated fashion. "Well... this is just fantastic. I'm already a little nervous here, because they've got these floating freaks of nature around this place... I really don't like this at all..." Suddenly perking up, he said, "So, let's dive right in, shall we?"

XXXX

A few moments later, using special methods that will not be discussed because they are subject to spoilers, he had managed to get into the Mansion itself. After skulking around a bit, he found himself in the kitchens among a whole tone of yoshis. (Technically, this shouldn't be discussed until the next story, but what the heck.) "Seems pretty much the same as when I went here..." he muttered aloud from the doorway, alerting the yoshis to his presence. "Nice fireplace!" he added, eyes falling on an ornate fireplace at the end of the kitchens. Whipping out a random false moustache, he quipped, "I can see the budget was just astronomical when they were designing this place!"

"Who are you, sir?" said one of the yoshis, approaching him slowly.

"Don't mind me, I just came down because I need to borrow... a knife. Don't ask why, I just need one."

"We isn't supposed to lend knives out!" another yoshi objects.

"So, I can't take this one with me?" the red-haired stranger asked, pointing to a nearby one that had to be at least a foot long. "Why can't I take it with me? I would like that. Wait, what is that?" he suddenly asked dramatically, approaching an object that looked really out of place in the kitchen-like area.

One of the yoshis approached, looking just as confused as the man himself did. "It is a typewriter that says 'racoon' on it..."

"Huh, that's weird," the man shrugged. "Anyways, it's clear that I'm not getting any knives down here... unless-"

"BOO!" came a sudden cry, and the man jumped back in surprise as the Boo suddenly appeared in front of him, wearing a Halloween mask- well, that's being pretty generous, it was just the stereotypical glasses, big nose, and moustache.

"Wow... they still haven't gotten rid of y-" the man started, looking through half-closed eyes before his eyes abruptly widened. "Whaaaaat?" he sounded off, staring at something behind the yoshis and the Boo alike. "_What _is _that_?" As they all spun around to look at whatever he was indicating, he turned and rushed out of the door- knife in tow.

XXXX

Not long afterwards, he was tiptoeing through the Mansion, slowly climbing the stairs. Strangely enough, he had yet to run into anyone else, which struck him as a little strange, though he wasn't about to curse his luck. He sighed as, for roughly the fourteenth time, he heard a random musical note blow into his ear from the only other being in the hallway- who didn't seem keen on alerting anyone else. "Well, _that's _one thing that's changed," he remarked. "No background music anymore, just this stupid ghost playing a sousaphone in my ear." As he spoke, the Boo rushed right next to him, put said instrument right in his face, and blasted it as hard as he could. Knitting his eyebrows in anger, he growled, "STOP IT, sousaphone ghost!"

"Oh, that's how it is, is it?" the Boo said, floating upwards in mock-indignation. "Well, you know what? _I'm _tired of working for _you!_"

"You weren't working for me..."

"Well, I already know I'm smarter than you," the Boo smirked. "Isn't the fact that you eat meat and I don't proof enough?"

"WHAT?!" the man asked, suddenly enraged. "Just because _I don't eat meat?!_ How dare you, sir?! I _love _meat! I love to put meat in my mouth! I'm serious, white meat, dark meat, sausage, ham, steak, bacon- I really, really love meat!" As he continued ranting, the Boo smirked, his work done, and quietly scooted off down the corridor.

"Actually," the man said, putting his finger and thumb up to his chin, "that puts me in the mood for a nice, juicy sausage. Oh, now I'm looking forward to it... I'd love the flavor from a nice sausage to just explode in my mouth... mmmm..."

XXXX

At this point, a transition came in to move things along. The next time anything noteworthy happened when the man came to a staircase with a large gap in the middle. "Ah, I remember this kind of thing from when I came here," he muttered, ignoring the painting watching him from the top of the stairs who instantly recognized him, but seemed to be paralyzed in fear. "These stairs with big gaps in them, you need to find some secret way to go up... hmmm..."

After spending about an hour mulling over every possible solution, he finally took a deep breath and leapt forward, managing to clear the gap with relative ease. "WEEELLLLL!" he shouted, looking back on the gap in anger, "I'M JUST THE BIGGEST IDIOT THAT EVER WAS! I AM SO STUPID- I DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO TRY AND JUMP! WHAT KIND OF MORON AM I?!" Finally calming himself, he turned and muttered, "Forget it, I'm moving on to Nintendo tower..."

XXXX

Hearing this, the painting that had been watching him turned around and rushed off up the hallways. Finally, he arrived in the same painting as two women in the middle of a discussion. "Yeah, seriously," said one of them, a blond in a teal dress, "It took him three stories to get the color of my dress right. Dang colorblind authors..."*

"Rosalina!" said the painting, panting.

"Oh, hey, Polari," Rosalina said, turning to see him. "What's going on?"

"Roy Alluvia! Roy Alluvia! He's in the Mansion! And he's heading up to the Nintendo Hub!"

Rosalina's eyes widened, but the other woman suddenly raised her hand, saying, "Quiet! He's right over there!"

A large number of lumas began to gather to watch as Roy stomped down the corridor. Their eyes immediately fell on the knife in his hand.

"I don't know," he was muttering to himself. "Maybe I _am _the maniac. I mean, I'm just stomping up to this door, with a bunch of kids behind it, carrying this big ol' knife muttering..."

Up to this point, his words had been unintelligible to the painting, but his next words reached them. "WHEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!" he suddenly cried, freezing as he saw the portrait guarding Nintendo's hub.

"Wh- why does he want to know where you are, mommy?" one of the lumas asked, peering up at Rosalina. Rosalina desperately motioned for silence.

"WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!"

"Mommy, he's scary, make him go away!"

"Don't worry, he's going away," Rosalina said, pointing. But this didn't help much- a few moments later, he returned with a ladder and a crazed look in his eyes.

"I HAVE COME TOO FAR TO FAIL NOW!" he shouted, looking beyond any sort of reason. "So, if I just use this knife on the ladder..."

"Why is he using the ladder to try and get in?!" the lumas cried, looking even more afraid than before.

"No, huh?" Roy asked, heaving. "Don't worry, I've got plenty of tricks up my sleeve... like this RAKE! I can use this rake to get in! But how?" Looking down at the fallen ladder, he said, "Ah, I see..."

"Why is he using the rake on the ladder?!" the lumas cried. "We don't know!"

"No?" Roy asked, glaring at the empty painting. "Well, how about... THESE ASHES! I'LL TAKE THESE ASHES!" As he spoke, he pulled a handful of ashes out of his pocket. Who knows where he got them.

"WHY?!" the lumas cried. "What does he need them for?"

"I'LL TAKE THESE ASHES... AND PUT THEM ON MY FACE!" as he spoke, he threw the ashes backwards to cover his face.

"Mommy... please help us!" the lumas cried, dancing around Rosalina. Seeing how afraid they were, she suddenly put on a game face.

"Don't worry, my children... I'll go out and... take care of him," Rosalina said, stomping through the portraits.

"WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN?!" Roy asked again, jumping up and down with rage.

"Stop this and go home!" came a sudden shout- he turned to see Rosalina standing there, wand out and pointing threateningly at him. "You've been tormenting the lumas too much!"

Suddenly, the Boo appeared over their heads and, seeing what was going on, cackled. "You do know that you're just a painting, right? You can't affect the real world..."

Rosalina's eyes widened. "Oh... right..."

Roy's eyes looked even wilder than normal under the veil of ashes. "I WILL MURDER YOUR FACE!" he cried, and he jumped at her with the knife. As he tore the painting to shreds, Rosalina suddenly dashed from it, running as fast as she could. The Boo cackled, then flew through a nearby wall.

"WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!" Roy cried out again. Suddenly, he stopped, seeing the painting all torn up. "Ah..." he looked around, trying to see if he'd hurt Rosalina herself. "And now she's dead. Or maybe she's just run away? I don't know, she might be dead..." Suddenly, he dropped the knife as the full thought slammed into him. "Oh, crud, _she might be dead!" _Without another word, he reached down and grabbed the knife and tore through the Mansion, sprinting until he made it out.

Next time he tried to get in, he vowed, he'd watch a little less Markiplier first.

_XXXX_

* I don't think I've ever actually noted this in the author's notes, but it is true, I am colorblind. If I ever get any of the colors wrong, feel free to alert me in reviews, as usual.

And this is our first random quicky! I don't know, how do you guys feel about the concept? I'd be perfectly willing to do some more of these if you guys enjoy them- heck, I've even got a few in mind! Some might be longer or shorter than this one is. It won't be an every-other-chapter thing- just whenever I feel like really deviating from the story.

Credits- most of this is inspired by some Markiplier Animated shorts- specifically, in order, Psychosis, Outlast Whistleblower Highlights, Wilfred Warfstache, 1,000,000 Subscriber Special, and, of course, Where's the Blacksmith.

Well, that chapter was different! But I'd like to hear how you guys feel about it! Please R&R, constructive criticism and questions all welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


End file.
